7 April 2015

Still here. Still not losing any weight.  Still upset at myself for not trying.

It's Easter  break now.  10 days.

10 days to complete a to do list that has around 25 dot points.  Some more urgent than others. But a lot that definitely needs to be done.  Some of it house stuff, some of it health stuff.  Some of it looking after parent stuff.  Which I hate.  I swear I'm going to end up spending more time looking after her, than she ever had to look after me growing up.  If we were close maybe it would be different.  But my mother is a nasty bitter unpleasant woman and causes far more stress than is healthy for me.  And it never seems to end.

But back to my physical health.

I'm really really over being fat and overweight.  I just want to fit into clothes again properly.

I'm slowly working on the food issue.  I've worked out a fairly good system of making meals and freezing them.  I'm eating a form of dinner at work at 4 o'clock and then only fruit or crackers later at 7pm.   Now I've just got to get back on track with weighing and logging everything.  After all this time, I still find it a time consuming thing to do. It would probably work better if I took more time on Sunday to plan out and log my entire week in advance, just modifying where needed from where I deviated.  Yet another system to set up.  And stick to.

My whole life has been like this. I am full of ideas and plans and projects. I am a great starter of things but not a great finisher. I either get distracted or my enthusiasm wanes. I have so many incomplete hobbies and projects everywhere.  I wouldn't be surprised if they made up around 15-20% of all the stuff I own.  Which I'm still sorting through.  Which is yet another project to work on.  And I've already come up with yet another new project to do. And I can't let it rest until I have more time,or at least a better time because my enthusiasm will wane and I'll be left with this half finished project  that  wont get completed for another two  years.   *Rolls eyes*  This is the way I live my life. Every single day. Does this happen to anyone else? Is it fixable? Is it a learnt behaviour that can be unlearnt?

It's frustrating that's what it is.

I want to scream until my throat is raw

Pardon for tones of heavy metal in the post title.  \m/

*WARNING:  this post gets pretty negative and moody*

This was going to be brief, but it turned out to be long.  And cranky angry : (  But I need to say this to someone out loud as it were.  And honestly, it's related to how I'm going at the moment.

So, no further progress with anything much lately.  Still haven't finalised any plans for another 5K.  Looked up a fair few, but am not committing to anything unless I know A) I can go and B) I can complete the couch to 5k training program.  Still haven't made it to the pool.  Haven't managed to get up early enough to Zumba for the last few weeks.  Only yesterday did I finally make it to the shops to buy decent food to make decent dinner.

Biggest thing that has thrown a spanner in the works?  My mum.  She's just had hand surgery and is still recovering.  And because we have no other family, I'm the one that has to look after her.  Which really kind of sucks.  Doing things like washing the dishes, washing clothes, ironing, vacuuming, mopping, scrubbing the shower, opening jars, and so on.  All those things that, you know, you need your hands for?

What sucks even worse is that I. am. a. terrible. person.  I am selfish and immature and childish.  You know why? Because I feel sulky and resentful that I have to do these things.  I am annoyed and upset and angry that I have to give up my holidays in order to look after her. 

My holidays are the one time I get to do things that I put off doing during work times because I never seem to have the time to do all my work reports, and client prep, and self-study plus do the things that everyone else seems to have a grip on.  Like organising car insurance, or upgrading my mobile phone (finally am ready to move to a smartphone.  Oh!  And change from pre-paid to postpaid contract), or organise for my laptop to be repaired.  I need to call the taxation office.  Shop for "big ticket" items (multi-function rice/slow cooker versus normal slow cooker?  Upright freezer?  The phone handset again needs research).  My car is well overdue for a service, I'm starting to notice the smell of oil when I drive (I've done 1000km over the 'service due on' date).

All this stuff I am trying to do in 6 days instead of the 15 days I had planned on.  It's all broken up too, so I'm driving back and forth a lot.  : (  I also wanted this time to be a kickstart once more for getting my food journalling and logging back on track.  2 weeks where I didn't have to answer to anyone but me?  Perfect time to get into a rhythm and routine, so that when I went back into work, it would be more likely that it will stick as good habit.  I'm trying to create a timetable/time budget so I know when I am working, sleeping, studying, working on personal projects (like exercising regularly), and doing day-to-day normal stuff like vacuuming or washing. 

It shouldn't be this hard to do all this.  But it is.  And the stupid thing about all this anger is really, of all the times that mum's surgery could have been scheduled, the holidays are the best time.  Because I do have time to go and help her.  Instead I would be trying to fit driving to her place every evening (she lives 85km/52 mi away) in peak hour traffic, so a 1 hour journey becomes a 1hr45min journey (if we're lucky).  Do all that she needs me to do, and then of course, driving back at 10pm.  And somehow get myself organised for work the nest day.  Or otherwise get the sulky treatment and be made to feel guilty because I just can't manage the time to go during the week, so I have to leave it to the weekends.  And yeah, yeah, no-one can "make you feel anything you don't want to".  Well *pthuuurpp* }: P I'm betting that person wasn't an only child, with an Eastern European Catholic parent.  They're well practiced at making you feel guilty for something you cannot help.  *wry smile*

And even though I could should be exercising all these bad thoughts away, I am eating instead.  I just ate an entire row of Arnott's Mint Slice (feeling somewhat sick from the sugar overload and guilt probably) and am about to sit down to an early dinner of roast chicken and roast vegetables.  I'm even eating the skin. 

I know I am way way over my calories today and there's some part of me that doesn't care.  The part of me that does care is making me log it all into my food journal and letting the world know.

*Le sigh*

-GloomyDuckling