7 April 2015

Still here. Still not losing any weight.  Still upset at myself for not trying.

It's Easter  break now.  10 days.

10 days to complete a to do list that has around 25 dot points.  Some more urgent than others. But a lot that definitely needs to be done.  Some of it house stuff, some of it health stuff.  Some of it looking after parent stuff.  Which I hate.  I swear I'm going to end up spending more time looking after her, than she ever had to look after me growing up.  If we were close maybe it would be different.  But my mother is a nasty bitter unpleasant woman and causes far more stress than is healthy for me.  And it never seems to end.

But back to my physical health.

I'm really really over being fat and overweight.  I just want to fit into clothes again properly.

I'm slowly working on the food issue.  I've worked out a fairly good system of making meals and freezing them.  I'm eating a form of dinner at work at 4 o'clock and then only fruit or crackers later at 7pm.   Now I've just got to get back on track with weighing and logging everything.  After all this time, I still find it a time consuming thing to do. It would probably work better if I took more time on Sunday to plan out and log my entire week in advance, just modifying where needed from where I deviated.  Yet another system to set up.  And stick to.

My whole life has been like this. I am full of ideas and plans and projects. I am a great starter of things but not a great finisher. I either get distracted or my enthusiasm wanes. I have so many incomplete hobbies and projects everywhere.  I wouldn't be surprised if they made up around 15-20% of all the stuff I own.  Which I'm still sorting through.  Which is yet another project to work on.  And I've already come up with yet another new project to do. And I can't let it rest until I have more time,or at least a better time because my enthusiasm will wane and I'll be left with this half finished project  that  wont get completed for another two  years.   *Rolls eyes*  This is the way I live my life. Every single day. Does this happen to anyone else? Is it fixable? Is it a learnt behaviour that can be unlearnt?

It's frustrating that's what it is.

Oh how I ache...

Wow.  I am beat.

I have spent the last 4 days cleaning a 2 storey house from top to bottom.  My best friend and her husband are moving out of their rental into their first home.  They just finished getting it built - yay for them!  :)  It does mean though that they are a bit short on spare cash at the moment and so can't afford to hire someone to exit clean for them. 

Enter best friend.  It sucks, but it's part of the contract, right?  Bestie to the rescue!

I don't think I have worked so hard to clean a house since I moved to my unit 2 years ago.  And I had to clean that all by myself, because I lived too far away for anyone to help me.  I made the decision then - and it was confirmed for me these past few days - that I am stumping up the money for someone else to clean for me when I move out of this flat, whenever that happens.

Well, anyhow, I spent the last four days on my hands and knees scrubbing and washing and wiping dry every single corner of that house.  It's a poorly built house, with no insulation, so on a hot, humid sunny day of 32*C (90*F) - inside it was probably another 10*C hotter than that. (Note 42*C = 107.6*F).  Did I also mention that it's two-storeyed?  And because I'm taller than my bestie, I got all the jobs that involved going up the step ladder to clean the ceiling.

And before you point out who cleans the ceiling?! can I point out that this house was built so it is exposed beams/rafters?  They needed dusting at the very least, on top of the cobwebs that had accumulated.  And, as we know, heat rises.  I was sweating and dripping everywhere *shudder*.  It got to the point where my sweat wasn't even salty any more X-P  I was worried, but realised it was okay because at least I was still sweating.  It's when you're hot and no longer sweating that is a worrisome sign for heat stress. 

An apology of sorts, and trying to get back on track.

First off I want to apologise and thank people for yesterday.

I want to offer an apology for those of you who felt upset or hurt by my comments in yesterday's post.  I know some of you will have parents who are ill.  Or who have parents who have already passed.  And there I am whinging like an immature brat about having to spend time with my mum.  That's not fair for you to bear the brunt of my anger, when you will obviously have different feelings on the subject.  I 'm sorry.  I know that whatever I say, will in no way make it better for you, but I am sorry. 

For those that left comments on yesterday's post, thank-you.  I didn't actually post it expecting sympathy.  I was more prepared for the "Get over yourself" type comments, which quite frankly, I deserve.  I openly acknowledge I am not a nice person.  But thanks to everyone who read; and read and took the time to comment.  You didn't have to, but you did.  And I appreciate it.

To close up, I do think yesterday was beneficial in a way.  Almost as soon as I wrote the post, I was beginning to calm down, and feel less anxious and stressed and angry.  I ate my dinner, made a cup of tea, and then watched Disney movies on the couch until I fell asleep.  It seems to have helped, because I woke up today feel somewhat more positive and pro-active.  And I got stuff done today, stuff that I wanted/needed to do, like the car insurance, laptop dropped off for repair, and am closer to making a decision about a phone, multifunction cooker & upright freezer. Five big, time consuming things and I managed to start to get it done.  Early tomorrow I'm going to call up and organise the car servicing and buy the multi function cooker and upright freezer.  The place is just down the road from me, so hopefully delivery will be able to be organised quickly.

In light of all that was going on in my head yesterday and today, I decided to check out my horoscope this morning. 

I love the vagueness of horoscopes don't you?  I read this one as relevant, given my rant yesterday.

Monday, Sep 29, 2014 -- Although you are eager to change the dynamics between you and others today, it's challenging to regain normalcy once the energy begins to shift. There could be a lot at stake in a relationship now, but don't try to force your will on anyone else. The more you attempt to control the outcome, the more distant you grow from your goals. Express your passions and remain open to the many possibilities ahead

So, I just need to breathe out and let it go.  Accept there are things out of my control.  Get over myself and let myself take care of my mum.  And not let it take me from my goals.

I'm off to mum's tomorrow, for the next two days, then I get Friday and the weekend before I'm back at work.

I can use the weekend to finalise my time budget plan thing.  I'm having trouble manipulating excel to come up the layout I want.  Every time I think I have set the cells to the size I want, when I do a test print, they end up smaller.  I have a particular size in mind, so I can write necessary details in them.  Oh!  And they keep running over to 2nd/3rd page, even though, by my calculations, (working in metric measurement units) they should fit onto the page size I want, even with a margin allowance for printing.  Grrr.  But I'll get there.  I need to by Monday anyway, because that's when my work week starts.

Aaaaand... given I still have about an hour before I need to be in bed, I'm going to use my remaining time to go work on that.

Once again, I'm sorry to everyone for yesterday's post and I thank-you for your comments.  

I want to scream until my throat is raw

Pardon for tones of heavy metal in the post title.  \m/

*WARNING:  this post gets pretty negative and moody*

This was going to be brief, but it turned out to be long.  And cranky angry : (  But I need to say this to someone out loud as it were.  And honestly, it's related to how I'm going at the moment.

So, no further progress with anything much lately.  Still haven't finalised any plans for another 5K.  Looked up a fair few, but am not committing to anything unless I know A) I can go and B) I can complete the couch to 5k training program.  Still haven't made it to the pool.  Haven't managed to get up early enough to Zumba for the last few weeks.  Only yesterday did I finally make it to the shops to buy decent food to make decent dinner.

Biggest thing that has thrown a spanner in the works?  My mum.  She's just had hand surgery and is still recovering.  And because we have no other family, I'm the one that has to look after her.  Which really kind of sucks.  Doing things like washing the dishes, washing clothes, ironing, vacuuming, mopping, scrubbing the shower, opening jars, and so on.  All those things that, you know, you need your hands for?

What sucks even worse is that I. am. a. terrible. person.  I am selfish and immature and childish.  You know why? Because I feel sulky and resentful that I have to do these things.  I am annoyed and upset and angry that I have to give up my holidays in order to look after her. 

My holidays are the one time I get to do things that I put off doing during work times because I never seem to have the time to do all my work reports, and client prep, and self-study plus do the things that everyone else seems to have a grip on.  Like organising car insurance, or upgrading my mobile phone (finally am ready to move to a smartphone.  Oh!  And change from pre-paid to postpaid contract), or organise for my laptop to be repaired.  I need to call the taxation office.  Shop for "big ticket" items (multi-function rice/slow cooker versus normal slow cooker?  Upright freezer?  The phone handset again needs research).  My car is well overdue for a service, I'm starting to notice the smell of oil when I drive (I've done 1000km over the 'service due on' date).

All this stuff I am trying to do in 6 days instead of the 15 days I had planned on.  It's all broken up too, so I'm driving back and forth a lot.  : (  I also wanted this time to be a kickstart once more for getting my food journalling and logging back on track.  2 weeks where I didn't have to answer to anyone but me?  Perfect time to get into a rhythm and routine, so that when I went back into work, it would be more likely that it will stick as good habit.  I'm trying to create a timetable/time budget so I know when I am working, sleeping, studying, working on personal projects (like exercising regularly), and doing day-to-day normal stuff like vacuuming or washing. 

It shouldn't be this hard to do all this.  But it is.  And the stupid thing about all this anger is really, of all the times that mum's surgery could have been scheduled, the holidays are the best time.  Because I do have time to go and help her.  Instead I would be trying to fit driving to her place every evening (she lives 85km/52 mi away) in peak hour traffic, so a 1 hour journey becomes a 1hr45min journey (if we're lucky).  Do all that she needs me to do, and then of course, driving back at 10pm.  And somehow get myself organised for work the nest day.  Or otherwise get the sulky treatment and be made to feel guilty because I just can't manage the time to go during the week, so I have to leave it to the weekends.  And yeah, yeah, no-one can "make you feel anything you don't want to".  Well *pthuuurpp* }: P I'm betting that person wasn't an only child, with an Eastern European Catholic parent.  They're well practiced at making you feel guilty for something you cannot help.  *wry smile*

And even though I could should be exercising all these bad thoughts away, I am eating instead.  I just ate an entire row of Arnott's Mint Slice (feeling somewhat sick from the sugar overload and guilt probably) and am about to sit down to an early dinner of roast chicken and roast vegetables.  I'm even eating the skin. 

I know I am way way over my calories today and there's some part of me that doesn't care.  The part of me that does care is making me log it all into my food journal and letting the world know.

*Le sigh*

-GloomyDuckling

There has got to be a better way...

On Sunday, I went grocery shopping.  My least favourite domestic chore.  Give me a room full of ironing instead.  A garden full of weeds.  A sink of dishes, or a clogged drain, or cobwebs, or a tank of scorpions, or dunking my hands in boiling oil or….  Sorry, got carried away there, didn’t I? :D 

(By the way, I take forever to get to the point in this post, so if you just want to read the “message” I got out of this experience, scroll down until you get to the purple writing)(but I’d be honoured if you read through the whole thing).

I find grocery shopping to be absolutely the most stressful task ever (yes, English teachers, I am hyperbolising).  I don’t know what it is, but it just doesn’t work for me.  I know the rules/strategies to make it smoother, and yet, NO.

·         I create a meal plan – for my dinners and lunches mainly.  I know my breakfast is going to be porridge or cereal. 

·         I shop my pantry & freezer first – what have I got that needs to be used up?

·         I scour the catalogues to see what’s on special

·         I write a list to buy just the things I need

·         I include on my shopping list what I’m making for meals in the week so I’m less likely to impulse buy.  (if it was on special and I wanted it, it would have been in the catalogue and made it onto my list already).  So when I'm looking at an aisle, and wondering why I've picked up an item, I check with my meal plan to see if I can aford or need to fit in the deviation.

·         I shop late in the day when there are less people around and more manager’s specials

·         I shop the perimeter of the store and stay out of the aisles when I can

·         I don’t shop hungry – I make sure I have eaten before I go.

I live on my own: I cook for one person.  I go shopping everyweek.  AND YET IT STILL TAKES ME OVER AN HOUR EACH TIME!!  This has always been a point of contention for me.  It takes me AN HOUR to shop for one person.  Each week!!  Argh!!  Exclamation points to make my feelings known!!

So, that’s enough backstory, right?  Sunday, grocery shopping, went with a list & meal plan.  

Now, I’m currently sitting a delicate balance between eating good healthy food and sticking to a budget.  I know lately that my shops have taken a little longer, because in the fresh produce section, I’m picking everything up, weighing it, then calculating the cost.  I keep a running total on my hand, so much so that by the end of my trip I look like this guy:

Well, my hand does anyway! I probably look a little odd for it, I'll be the first to admit.

I possibly also emanate a little whiff of ‘nutter’ by muttering to myself my sums.  $43-50, $43-50, 43-50, and then that’s $1.20, so I’m going to round that up to $1.50. 43-50 plus $1.50, 43-50 plus $1.50, that’s going to be ..... 45! 45,45,45,45.45,45...  All while walking back to my trolley and etc.

Sunday’s shop proved to be long and stressful as I was conscious of trying to stay within my budget (went over by $25).  By 5:40pm - mentally - I was done.  That was it.  I was tired and cranky and stressed and worried about getting home and cooking dinner and preparing lunch for Monday and still getting some reports finished for work the next day and ... ! I was over it.

Fifteen more minutes and I was finally in the last aisle.  And I admit, I was swayed by the ice-cream fridge as I walked past it.  Individual ice-cream cups of 200ml (6-7 oz? fl. oz?) were half price and only $1 each.  Bargain!  I could buy some to stock up and they could sit in my freezer and I could eat them in pre-decided portion amounts!  What could be neater?! (ß You can see where this is going right? Delusion City!!).  I’d been debating getting ice-cream anyway and at that price, who was I to resist?  (Mind you, I must have looked nuttier again as I got them, because the flavours I like best were at the very back of the top shelf.  Now, I’m tall, but I still had to stretch right up and then jump to get them.  I even had to use the tray they sit in to roll the very back ones forward.  I was determined to get that ice-cream!)  Now, as I walked back and forth with them, I started a conversation in my head. 

 KEEP READING FROM HERE!

I’m going to put the voice of ‘my conscience’ – my Jiminy Cricket as it were – in blue, to distinguish between the two sides of my conversation.

As I looked at the ice-cream, I said to myself: I want ice-cream. 

But then just as quickly, I asked myself do you really? Why? Why do you want ice-cream? The weather’s not even that warm.

I know, but I just want ice-cream.

But why?

I want something comforting.

I feel stressed and anxious and I want to feel better.

So... you don’t really want ice-cream do you?

… No, I just want something to make me feel better.

Is ice-cream going to be it?

Ice-cream will make me feel better

. . . 

No; it won’t. 

I’ll just feel like I’ve eaten ice-cream, but I won’t feel any better.  I’ll feel sick from having had too much sugar and I’ll still feel anxious and stressed about work tomorrow, but I won’t feel better for having eaten ice-cream.  I’ll also feel guilty onto top of anxious, because I’ve eaten food with meaningless calories.  I’ll have eaten it for no benefit. It’ll just be (fat) gain.

Well, what will make you feel better and less stressed?

Taking 15 minutes to meditate when I get back home

… And, it worked!  I got home, dumped the bags on the counter and before I even unpacked anything, I sat out on the balcony (it was a beautiful, still, balmy night), put in my earphones and played my favourite meditation tracks (5 minute mindfulness followed by a 10 minute progressive relaxation).  15 minutes later, I felt calmer and more settled.

I was ready to tackle dinner, and lunch and everything else I had to do. 

And I didn’t eat any of that ice-cream! 

All the tubs are still sitting in my freezer, ready for when I am ready to eat one because I’ve budgeted it into my daily calories.  Not because “I want something to make me feel better”.

And I’m going to remind myself of that each time I open the freezer looking for food:  Do you really want that, or do you just want something to make you feel better?