Another Year, Another Time to Try Again.

I came to the realisation the other week that while I'm miserable and hate my working conditions and my family sitch, I don't need to make it worse on myself by also making myself miserable about my size and the fact that I don't fit into my clothes.  In fact, out of the big 3, this is the one I have the most control of.  So I should control it, and be responsible for it. 

I'm gonna get a hold of this eating sensibly and moving meaningfully business.  

I've started relogging in my MFP diary, and I sat down this weekend to foodplan what I was going to eat for each meal & when I was going to cook what. 
     Not gonna lie, it took a while.
   
Thinking about what I wanted when was time consuming.
     I had trouble thinking so far ahead to Thursday & Friday.  I wrote the meal plan out on a sheet of paper, with a basic idea of what I was going to eat for breakfast, morning tea, lunch & dinner.  For example, tonight for dinner I am having tortellini with a spinach based pasta sauce.  I sat down and planned out (as best I could) for a whole week in advance.  Probably took me over 60 minutes.  I got distracted or frustrated along the way too.
     Writing the specific details into my (paper) food diary wasn't too bad.  That only took about 15 minutes for the whole week, given I had to flip back and forth between pages as I realised that I would need to create a recipe for the green sauce, so I needed to list the ingredients for that.  I keep a paper food diary in a notebook so I have somewhere to write down how much everything weighs.  This is especially useful for when I am creating my own recipes and I don't measure out my quantities in something as arbitrary as 'cups' when the food I am eating isn't liquid, like a stir-fry.
     I would love to know how people know how many cups of food they've cooked without ladelling their whole dish from one container to another 1 cup at a time.  For me it's easier to create a 'recipe' listing the raw weights of the ingredients, weigh the whole thing when it's finished, and then create portions based on 100g serving sizes.  Then, when I do weigh out how much I've eaten, like 335g, I know it's 3.35 servings.    I find it a quicker process.
     It was entering everything in advance in MFP that was trying.  Nearly 1.5 hours to enter a week's worth of logging in advance.  I did it though, so that when it came time to log the weight, I could save time during the week, by already having the ingredients/foods already entered and I wouldn't have to search for everything.  It was quicker on my phone too, than the webpage.  Recipes were easier to do on the computer, but everything else went through the phone. 

On Saturday I went to a butcher to get quality mince and chicken breasts.  I shopped at a Fruit & Vege grocer first, before going to Coles to get everything else I needed.  For the first time in a while, I set myself a food budget, and I think I stuck to it.  <--- This is another much needed motivation.  I was finding myself going through Drive-throughs and spending $20-25 for a meal, sometimes three times a week.  I don't have that much free money to just throw away. 

I decided to join MFP's April 2016 Running Challenge.

I have never really paid attention to how much I walk in a month, so I set myself a fairly low goal of walking 30 km this month (~18mi).  I'm trying for consistency more than I am concentrating on distance.

I always start out with good intentions, and walk 2-3 days in a row, and then... fizzle.  I get lazy.  Or find excuses like I don't have time, or I'm tired.  I'm trying to tackle that by taking the time to evaluate: am I physically tired, or mentally tired? Because there is definitely a difference and I need to work on recognising that, and not letting it get in my way.

I'm re-evaluating my goals.  I'm currently at 110kg and I wanted my first goal weight to be 90kg because that's the BMI cutoff between being obese and merely overweight.  I've stepped it back a fair bit and am going for 105kg, because that becomes the distinction between Obese Class II and Obese Class I.  I'll look into setting myself 5kg goals after that.

I've also measured 7 points around my body to keep a track of too, because it's not really about weight for me.  I honestly couldn't care if the scales said 400kg! It's the fact that I don't fit into clothes that really gets me down.  So taking (and writing down!) those measurements and entering them into my spreadsheet is going to happen the first Monday of every month.  I won't share them publicly I think, but I will be graphing them to see what happens.

Sun 26 July

In the last two and a half weeks, I've been doing better.
I've been exercising more regularly.  Not super regularly, but picking up the habit.
I've also been working on the eating.  That's taking longer to get right.

I've also had hectic weeks back at work.
And with looking after my mum & her house.

All of the next weekends in the forseeable future have something one.  Every weekend in August, plus the first few in September.

Crazy.

Gotta keep working on getting those good habits in.

Because they have made a difference so far.

Wed 8 July, I weighed in at 110 kg.  My official highest weight ever.
As of Wed 22 July, I was down to 104.7 kg.

That's progress.

I need to keep doing what I've been doing, but better.

Better eating
Better journalling
Better logging
Better sleep
Better exercising

Better looking after myself.

So I can get better results.

Still sick

Urgh... I am still sick.  This is so unusual for me.

I have a very set pattern for when I'm sick.  1 day of achy-tender skin, sore throat, fever, flu type symptoms.  1 day of coughing starting the day as a dry cough ending as a wet phlegm cough.  1 day of runny nose, that then ends up as a blocked nose and sinus build-up the next day, which just had me attached to a tissue box.  4 days, done and dusted.

This is different.  I'm still coughing.  Half choking.  I don't seem to be able to cough up whatever it is that's sitting in my chest.  So I have a sore throat from coughing, and pain in my chest from coughing.

I left the house today for the first time in days.  I had promised two weeks ago that I would go op shopping with my best friend, and I didn't want to let her down.  I'm known for cancelling on her all the time.  Usually for no good reason at all.  Just because I've had a freak-out and don't want to leave the house.  So I didn't want to cancel on her because I thought she would think that I was just bailing without a legitimate reason.

I'm glad I went out today.  I was able to pick up a nice stash of books to add to my collection - including what I swear must be the rarest book series possible to need to complete - The Dark is Rising by Susan Cooper.  We had to read the first book 'Under Sea, Under Stone' as our year 8 English novel.  I loved it, and years later I discovered there were more to the series.  5 books in total.  Tracked down through various libraries.  Nearly impossible to buy.  But today I was able to buy the 5th book - the Silver on the Tree.  Not only that, but I managed to pick up the whole series in an omnibus edition.  It's fairly small print through, so I possibly won't get into it very often.  But it's nice to know it's there to read the whole series.

I've got a doctor's appointment tomorrow about this being sick business.  Hopefully I'll get definite feedback about whether it's something that can be treated with antibiotics or if it's just bed rest.  To be honest, I I kind of want it to be bad enough that antibiotics are needed.  I've had enough of chicken soup, tomato juice and tea with lemon honey.  And I want to get something done in this last week of the holidays.  Not just spend two weeks at home because I'm sick.

Gogglebox

I watched that (newish) show on Thursday night called Gogglebox.   Hilarious!  Going to be part of my regular weekly viewing, hands down!

Basically it's a reality TV show, where 10 households are filmed while they're watching television.  They're all told what shows to watch, and the reactions to what they are watching are edited and shown.  Priceless!  There are families, couples and flatmates.  It's really cool to see 1 - how other people watch telly and 2 - how other people talk and comment on what they've seen.  I think it's great because I was watching it and thinking they are so Australian.  The reactions they have to things are are brilliant.  Unfortunately I'm trying to think of an example and I can't quite think of one.  Most of the people featured swear a lot, which suits me.  I'm a big fan of curse words; I use them fairly liberally myself.  There's a swear jar at work just for me.  :-/  But back to the show: it's those throw away comments and one-liners.  It's the randomness.  I need to get to somewhere with free wifi and catch up on the first 6 episodes I think!!

**

I did end up going for that walk on Friday afternoon.  2.4km (1.5mi).  I'm relatively happy with that.  Although it did make me start coughing again.  : S

I need to plan out food that I am going to make for the upcoming week, and workout my schedule/routine for the new few months until my next holidays,  I'm always leaving everything until the holidays, and then when the holidays come around, I waste them.  Like all this last week, I've been meaning to call the tax department.  Have I though?  Not a chance.

There's also organising a doctor's appointment, dentist appointment, plumber, fixing a bookcase (that I've been meaning to do since I moved in 2.5 years ago!),  repainting, replanting, changing over clothes and bedding to a winter wardrobe.  And maybe donate some things that I've been meaning to donate.

I also got it into my head that I want to buy some lino or vinyl to line my kitchen cupboards.  It was exit-cleaning my best friend's rental over the New Year that gave me the idea.  Her kitchen cupboards were lined and it made it so fantastically easy to clean.  They weren't even her idea, they were already in the house when she moved in.  I had been meaning to do it ever since then, but put it off because I knew it would be a tedious task to measure every cupboard to work out how much I would need.  But when I got back on Tuesday, I opened a cupboard to discover a tin of fruit (that, to be fair, I'd had for a fair few number of years) must have rusted through because there was a dark syrupy type substance on the shelf.  So I after I cleaned it up, I figured that it was no time like the present to organise and look for some lino/vinyl for my shelves.

In fact, I may as well do it for all the shelves in the house - my wardrobe shelf is not very smooth and occaisionally my clothes catch on in.  I originally taped down some butchers' paper, but I think lino may go much nicer.  I want to get some of a decent thickness that won't slide around.  Otherwise there's no point is there?

7 April 2015

Still here. Still not losing any weight.  Still upset at myself for not trying.

It's Easter  break now.  10 days.

10 days to complete a to do list that has around 25 dot points.  Some more urgent than others. But a lot that definitely needs to be done.  Some of it house stuff, some of it health stuff.  Some of it looking after parent stuff.  Which I hate.  I swear I'm going to end up spending more time looking after her, than she ever had to look after me growing up.  If we were close maybe it would be different.  But my mother is a nasty bitter unpleasant woman and causes far more stress than is healthy for me.  And it never seems to end.

But back to my physical health.

I'm really really over being fat and overweight.  I just want to fit into clothes again properly.

I'm slowly working on the food issue.  I've worked out a fairly good system of making meals and freezing them.  I'm eating a form of dinner at work at 4 o'clock and then only fruit or crackers later at 7pm.   Now I've just got to get back on track with weighing and logging everything.  After all this time, I still find it a time consuming thing to do. It would probably work better if I took more time on Sunday to plan out and log my entire week in advance, just modifying where needed from where I deviated.  Yet another system to set up.  And stick to.

My whole life has been like this. I am full of ideas and plans and projects. I am a great starter of things but not a great finisher. I either get distracted or my enthusiasm wanes. I have so many incomplete hobbies and projects everywhere.  I wouldn't be surprised if they made up around 15-20% of all the stuff I own.  Which I'm still sorting through.  Which is yet another project to work on.  And I've already come up with yet another new project to do. And I can't let it rest until I have more time,or at least a better time because my enthusiasm will wane and I'll be left with this half finished project  that  wont get completed for another two  years.   *Rolls eyes*  This is the way I live my life. Every single day. Does this happen to anyone else? Is it fixable? Is it a learnt behaviour that can be unlearnt?

It's frustrating that's what it is.

7 Feb. 15

Oh dear.  Can you tell I'm back at work again?  Absolutely no time to blog.  Or read other blogs.  Bugger.

Annoyingly too, weightloss is not happening.  But I know exactly why.   I'm not sleeping well, which leads to me not eating well.  I'm also not logging properly or even exercising.  So frustrating, because it all seems to take time, time which I feel I don't have to put into these things.  But I have to have time to do all these things otherwise I'm shortchanging my own health.  I keep telling myself I just need to get my feet onto the ground with what I'm doing at work and then I'll be fine.  *Rolls eyes*.  Yeah, because, like, that ever happens.  /sarcasm


I'm continuing on with the house cleaning and organising and unpacking.  I managed to clear another two boxes on Thursday afternoon, so I'm feeling pretty good about that.  It's starting to really get to me that I have been living in my unit for over two years now and I still haven't unpacked everything.  In every room there is mess and clutter and STUFF.  So much stuff... I mentioned it before how I find it hard to get rid of things.  I hold onto things for such a long time.  In fact, in one of those boxes I unpacked, I found the portable CD/Tape/Radio player that I received for my 13th birthday.  The one that hasn't working properly since I was fifteen and there was a power surge.  This means it doesn't work through the power cord any more, but it will work if you use 8 D cell batteries.  So I've held onto it all these years.  Because it was still usable.  It wasn't broken, just not in the best of working conditions.  

I'm feeling upset even as I mention it, but I decided to throw it out.  

 
By which I mean, I've put it in another area of my flat with the other electronics and appliances which no longer work as they should and I can take it to an e-waste disposer. 

It makes me so uncomfortable to know that I am doing that.  My first reaction when I saw it was 'Oh, I remember this, I remember how proud I was that I had a CD player, how cool it was to have one'.  My second was 'I don't need to get rid of this.  It still works on batteries.  This can go in a storm survival kit!' 

Anything so that I don't have to get rid of it, right? : (

It's so hard, but I'm working on it.  I am telling myself that it just wouldn't be practical in a storm kit.  It's huge.  It's 50cm in length (20in), and bulky besides.  It would take up most of the space.  Plus on top of that, 8 D cell batteries is expensive.  I've had it for over fifteen years, it's time to cut the apron strings.

So, another work in progress.

A reflection on Depression

I am inspired to write this after replying to a post by Josh over at 700poundsisasbadasitsounds.blogspot.com  There he points out how he reached a low place and stopped blogging.  

Depression.  And it reminded me of my experience with depression, about 7 years ago. 

*By the way, I am going to offer a trigger warning here for depression, self-harm, suicidal thoughts, and other thought/behaviour patterns of that nature.  Please don't proceed if this is a trigger for you*


Depression sucks.  It affects people in so many different ways.  
I was really critical and hard on myself.  I was forgetful and so confused <i>all the time</i>.  I couldn't keep a thought straight in my head.  I hurt so much inside. I lost my social skills and didn't know how to interact with people. Everywhere I went I never seemed to feel right.  When I was at home I wanted to be out.  When I was out I wanted to be by myself.  I was either crying for 4 hours non-stop, hating myself violently or not feeling anything at all.  

I hurt myself in different ways.  
I bit down hard on my arm one night.  To stop myself from screaming from the hurt I felt inside.  Ended up with a whopper bruise that lasted over 2  1/2 weeks.  I scratched my arm til it bled.  I still have the scar from that.  I started smoking around this time and I used to give myself smileys from the lighter.  On my feet, so no-one would see them, but I would feel them everytime I walked, their presence a reminder of what I was not feeling.  Oddly enough cutting never appealed to me.  Tried it, I couldn't even break the skin.

I ended up on Zoloft as my anti-depressant.  We started on the lowest dosage and then bumped it up one when the low dosage wasn't doing anything for me.  I felt nauseous (nauseated?) for the first two-three weeks which was an expected side affect.  I had the most god-awful twisted dreams, I remember being really unsettled by them when I woke up.  They could also be linked to the depression I suppose.  For a while, it seemed like I was still getting lower, which my doctor warned me about, but we kept on at it.  

I have a really clear memory of an absolute horrid night, where I didn't think I was going to make it through the night, because I couldn't take it anymore.  I honestly didn't think I'd make it.  I was lucky enough that one of my housemates sat with me as I drank and he took away my car keys.  And in the morning when I woke up, I was so happy to be alive, so relieved.  I don't think I will ever <i>ever</i> forget that feeling of sheer relief I felt, when I realised I made it through the night.  It was my turning point, two months or so after starting the meds.  I have such a clear memory of that night.  I can even tell you it was a Thursday night.  That is how much it is cemented into my brain.  Along with the overwhelming relief.  I can still bring up that feeling now, if I'm ever incredibly wound up and anxious about something.  I use it to remind myself how good unstressed and relaxed/relieved feels like. 

I took antidepressants along with counselling/therapy (at my request) and meditation for anxiety.  I actually went to a psychologist first, who referred me back to a GP.  My doctor also prescribed 30 min of exercise daily - some kind of activity that was enough to get the heart rate up.  It took me about 6 months of the combined treatments to be off the meds.  I haven't been on meds since then, although there are times when I possibly could have been.  Or should have been.  There are times when I've felt bad, or low and it's taken a few weeks to swing back.  I often wonder if I would have recovered better those times if I was on medication. 

Now, I just focus on getting enough rest, enough time to chillout and I try to keep exercising.  This is probably my other big push for why I focus on exercise more than my diet.  I try to keep reminding myself that I need to exercise so my brain works better. 

Truly, things can get better.  They don't need to stay bleak.  I put off going to see anyone for a long time, until I broke down crying at work.  Completely no idea what started it, but I was crying for three hours, just couldn't stop it.  Even when I somewhat pulled myself together, I still had tears leaking constantly from my eyes.  Had all these circular thoughts going around and around in my head.  I was crying for me, for my boyfriend, for my friends.  Just crying.  It was my call to action.

As I said, I went to a psychologist first, to see if I could do this without medication.  After a few sessions, we decided to get the GP on board who did a whole range of blood tests.  After ruling out anything hormonal or nutrient or vitamin deficient, we chose to medicate.  I don't regret that decision at all, because for me, it was a necessary step to pull myself up before I didn't need them any more.  I continued to see the counsellor twice a week until the worst of it eased off, then once a week, once a fortnight.

I still have the meditation CD now and it's always one of the first mp3 files I upload to a new computer/device.  I just realised I can put it on my new smart phone.  Will get on that.  I will set aside the time to mediate when I feel myself getting too stressed, although I could probably do with meditating more often.

Overall, I would say it took me 6 months to get back to how I was before.  And I'm still not exactly the same.  I'm a lot more anxious now.  A lot more reserved.  I went from being carefree and pretty out there and extroverted to being an introvert and a homebody.  I still find it really hard to be in public and in crowds.  But I am no where near what I was like when I was depressed, and I feel I can live with this change of personality, if it means I'm not depressed.  Besides, I'm okay with who I am now and I reckon it ties in with growing up and growing older too. 

But this is what worked for me.  I can't say what will work for you.  BUT if you are feel low and depressed  you need to seek out professional help for this.  Your friends and family can support you, but a doctor/medical team will be the ones who can best help you, whether that's by counselling, hormone or vitamin therapy, or by prescribing anti-depressants.

Take care everyone,

Oh how I ache...

Wow.  I am beat.

I have spent the last 4 days cleaning a 2 storey house from top to bottom.  My best friend and her husband are moving out of their rental into their first home.  They just finished getting it built - yay for them!  :)  It does mean though that they are a bit short on spare cash at the moment and so can't afford to hire someone to exit clean for them. 

Enter best friend.  It sucks, but it's part of the contract, right?  Bestie to the rescue!

I don't think I have worked so hard to clean a house since I moved to my unit 2 years ago.  And I had to clean that all by myself, because I lived too far away for anyone to help me.  I made the decision then - and it was confirmed for me these past few days - that I am stumping up the money for someone else to clean for me when I move out of this flat, whenever that happens.

Well, anyhow, I spent the last four days on my hands and knees scrubbing and washing and wiping dry every single corner of that house.  It's a poorly built house, with no insulation, so on a hot, humid sunny day of 32*C (90*F) - inside it was probably another 10*C hotter than that. (Note 42*C = 107.6*F).  Did I also mention that it's two-storeyed?  And because I'm taller than my bestie, I got all the jobs that involved going up the step ladder to clean the ceiling.

And before you point out who cleans the ceiling?! can I point out that this house was built so it is exposed beams/rafters?  They needed dusting at the very least, on top of the cobwebs that had accumulated.  And, as we know, heat rises.  I was sweating and dripping everywhere *shudder*.  It got to the point where my sweat wasn't even salty any more X-P  I was worried, but realised it was okay because at least I was still sweating.  It's when you're hot and no longer sweating that is a worrisome sign for heat stress. 

Quick thoughts

Now that I'm back home I need to get into the logging habit again.  Slowly but surely, right? 

Already started one good thing when yesterday I ate my portion for dinner... and that was all. ☺  I was about to go and get more food but then I stopped myself.  I self-talked and questioned whether I was really hungry and could I not just let it be for once.  
Now the trick is to make it not just "for once" but for twice, for three times, four times...

Exercising has really been my mainstay.   I've been getting up early nearly every morning.  I skipped yesterday morning because it was raining.  In fact, it was raining this morning too.  But I didn't realise that until I was outside.  It was only a light dusting of precipitation.   If it were 20°C colder, it would have been the nicest lightest snowfall... * sigh*  I miss snow.  Anyhow.  It was light rain when I left the house. Ten minutes into my walk and it became a fraction heavier.  A steady drizzle.  It was heavy enough to be noticeable but too light to bother turning back.

This morning I also did 20 sit-ups for the first time since I don't know when.

☆   ☆   ☆

I mentioned last week I was starting to go through and sort my clothes.  Well, I decided to keep on going and unpack some of the boxes that were still in my bedroom.  I managed to knock through 2 of the big "wardrobe" size boxes yesterday.  Some things that were in there, were packed away in 2011.  I found so much stationery that I bought: pens, textas, highlighters, notebooks, staplers, scissors, erasers, sharpeners, display folders... so. much. stationery...  !!

I also found my sewing machine, my telescope and my exercise mat amongst all the other things.  So, with the duel benefit of having cleared space on the floor (by unpacking two boxes) I also thought I'd start some sit ups again.

So after getting back from my walk this morning, I talked myself into some sit ups.

I'm going to try and make it another daily habit.  I am sure I have said this before, but I think the sit ups help with how much my stomach hangs out from my body.  It's probably really stupid, but I really do think that when I do sit ups, the muscles of my gut get stronger and are more able to hold my tummy in.  In fact when I suck my gut in, even right now at my current size, I can almost fool myself into thinking that it is not so bad. I'm willing to leave the house looking like I do, as long as I concentrate on keeping my gut sucked in. Next Monday when I do photos again for progress I'll do contrast of stomach muscles relaxed versus tensed.  I'll bet there's a difference.

The Purge - part 4

So, over the past few days I decided to tackle my clothes.  

I’ve discussed how I find it hard to get rid of things.  That I have strong memories and attachments to my possessions.  To a certain extent, never is this truer than with my clothes.  I love clothes, I really do.  One of my career aspirations when I was a young lass was to be a fashion designer.  And because I have strong memory associations with my clothes, I found it very hard to cull and get of things.   

Even things that I wasn’t sure I would ever wear again. 

The problem was I could remember wearing them, and what went along with that.  I could picture myself standing in the precise spot in my room as I chose that piece to wear.  Every item I picked up, reminded me of people or events.  “Oh, that’s right, I wore that when…” or “that’s the night I met…” or “… always loved this skirt”.  Even other associated events leading up to or after the time I wore that outfit.  One dress that I own, a black lacy thing I got as a Xmas present from my mum when I was 17.  It was my first LBD.  I have a very strong memory of when I was in my second year of uni.  It was March, and I decided I was going to wear it for a friend’s birthday party at a nightclub on Friday night.  I knew which shoes, earrings and make-up I was going to do.  Hair up.  (I went with a gold accessories theme.  I even had gold eyeliner!).  Because the dress had a lyrca liner, it was clingy.  I’ve always been pot-bellied/pear shaped, not much I can do about that.

Except sit ups.

For the two weeks leading up to the party, I was in my room, doing situps right before bed.  I can picture myself laying on the floor, the overhead light was off, but the lamp on my desk was on, illuminating my room.  I remember doing 40 (40!) situps and struggling with the last 2-3.  I remember doing them much slower, and that intense muscle feeling of the slow crunches. 

I remember the small turn out at the club, the drinks I had that night, who I danced with, and going home alone.  My friend whose birthday it was hooked up though – woo! Go him ;-)

*Sigh*

I remember faintly other times I wore that dress, but that memory is the strongest to me.  So of course, I don’t want to get rid of that dress, because it reminds me just how much fun I can have with friends.  And I stupid sentimental (or maybe just mental) part of me doesn’t want to get rid of it yet, because I want to know how I will look in it when I do get back to 68kg.  I’m having a hard time telling myself to get rid of it before hand, because I won’t truly know if I will wear it again until I get back to that size.

*Sigh*

Obviously, that line of thinking was going to get me nowhere.  So I somewhat comprised.  I took those giant plastic shopping bags – you know the ones that are very square when they are full?  With a zip? And I designated one for each size category.  Only what was in there would I keep.

I had to be little bit sneaky with the 12/14 because I had so many that I wanted to hold onto.  Casual wear, going out clothes, smart casual, fancy dress and costumes and most important – smart dressy clothes for work.  Skirts and button through shirts and dress slacks.  All the classy elegant things I would love to wear to work, but just don’t work now at my size.  Things that would make me look the part and fit in a little better with how our general director wants us to dress. Things that are made of cotton and require ironing. : D   Anyhow, because they were the clothes that I had the most of, I cheated a little bit and put some of the smaller ones into the 8/10/12 bag.  And then I used some vacuum storage bags for the rest of it.  And I mean, I did think about some things as I was packing them in.  Like do I need a red jumper (long sleeves), red jumper (elbow sleeves), red knit vest (external pullover vest, not undergarment vest), red 7/8 sleeve t-shirt, red short sleeve t-shirt and a red “falsey” jumper – the ones with a fake button shirt under them?  They just have the collar and cuffs of the shirt sticking out.  The rest is just the jumper.  [Oh!  A jumper is also known as a pullover, or a sweater.]  I don’t even wear red very often because it clashes with my skin tone.  I questioned what I was doing as I sat them together in the one pile.   But I put them in to save because, how am I to know what colour will be in fashion and whether I’ll even like those things when I get to that weight? 

As I said, I love clothes.  I also happen to be one of those people that have a huge variety of clothes, depending on mood.  And I wear colours daily.  I’ve had numerous people comment on the fact that I always wear bright colours.  I would probably go as far as to say I think my clothes are the type that people describe as “loud”.   Attempted a monotone wardrobe once.  Couldn’t make it more than 6 days before I caved and wore something with bold patterns.  My bestie on the other hand?  Black, offwhite/cream, occasionally red, and a very particular shade of bluey-teal.  She’s starting to introduce a light baby pink in the last 18 months.  That’s it.  That’s all she’s got.  Her mum and I have tried over the years to bring in other colours or styles, but it just doesn’t stick very long.  Lol.  Kind of opposites there huh?  : )

Well, anyhow.  Sorting out my clothes is a big job.  One I’m still working on.  And I think it’s going to have to wait until I get back from Xmas break, because today I need to go to the shops to get my last minute Christmas gifts and tomorrow, I’m driving to Mum’s for Christmas.  Should prove interesting.

The Purge - Part 3

I don’t know what it was that made me want to start on the clothes, but I went through and decided to sort, bin, donate or wash, a whole lotta clothes.  Not all of them yet, but I’m on my way.  In particular, I decided to sort clothes into approximate size range. 

 

• ·         8/10/12
• ·         12/14    
• ·         16/18                    
• ·         18/20/Just one size too small. 

I am expecting that most of the smallest clothes will no longer be fashionable and I will donate a lot of them.  Most of those I haven’t seen since 2008, they’ve been packed up somewhere most of this time, and that was when I started to gain weight.

Funnily enough, I thought that when I split up the clothes into those size ranges, it was because I could associate them with certain time-frames of my life.  Small -> second & third year of uni.  12/14 --> high school, rest of uni/early twenties.  My normal.  16/18 --> 2010/2011.  18/20/JOSTS -->  All those clothes I bought because I was going to lose weight soon…

But when I looked at the four piles, I started thinking in terms of kilogram weight and realise that those four size piles kind of match with weight goals I have in my head.

18/20/JOSTS	95kg
16/18	85-90kg
12/14	70-80kg
8/10/12	65kg

My Ultimate Goal Weight is to get back to ~70kg.  My average-normal was 63-68kg.  10 years ago. *shrugs*

The current goal weight I am working towards is 90kg.  90kg is what I was weighing in 2010-2011.  That’s 16kg off from where I am as of this morning.  During the year, when I had a really good run of discipline and logging, I made it down as far as 98.1 kg in May – only 1.1 kg off from my “starting” weight back when I began the blog in 2012!  At 90kg, I can picture myself in the clothes that I was wearing.  I still have memories of pulling them out of drawers or from the wardrobe and putting them on and accessorising them.  It’s a tangible, actual goal because it’s one that I can remember.  Remember feeling how fat I was.  And yet, I know now, that I got fatter.

At 90kg, I can start to wear the 16/18 size clothes.  16/18 is the crossover size range between normal and plus size clothing.  At 90kg, I am a size 18, but could try some 16s, especially the older (non-vanity sizing) ones.  

90kg also puts me at lower end of BMI obese classifications.  Under 90kg, I am only overweight, not obese.  I know that the BMI shouldn’t be the defining point of health, but as it stands, it is a measurement/calculation that is widely spoken about and is accountable and comparable.  At 90kg, I am putting less pressure on my joints, my lungs, my heart, my kidneys, all of it.  So surely that’s a good start right?