A reflection on Depression

I am inspired to write this after replying to a post by Josh over at 700poundsisasbadasitsounds.blogspot.com  There he points out how he reached a low place and stopped blogging.  

Depression.  And it reminded me of my experience with depression, about 7 years ago. 

*By the way, I am going to offer a trigger warning here for depression, self-harm, suicidal thoughts, and other thought/behaviour patterns of that nature.  Please don't proceed if this is a trigger for you*


Depression sucks.  It affects people in so many different ways.  
I was really critical and hard on myself.  I was forgetful and so confused <i>all the time</i>.  I couldn't keep a thought straight in my head.  I hurt so much inside. I lost my social skills and didn't know how to interact with people. Everywhere I went I never seemed to feel right.  When I was at home I wanted to be out.  When I was out I wanted to be by myself.  I was either crying for 4 hours non-stop, hating myself violently or not feeling anything at all.  

I hurt myself in different ways.  
I bit down hard on my arm one night.  To stop myself from screaming from the hurt I felt inside.  Ended up with a whopper bruise that lasted over 2  1/2 weeks.  I scratched my arm til it bled.  I still have the scar from that.  I started smoking around this time and I used to give myself smileys from the lighter.  On my feet, so no-one would see them, but I would feel them everytime I walked, their presence a reminder of what I was not feeling.  Oddly enough cutting never appealed to me.  Tried it, I couldn't even break the skin.

I ended up on Zoloft as my anti-depressant.  We started on the lowest dosage and then bumped it up one when the low dosage wasn't doing anything for me.  I felt nauseous (nauseated?) for the first two-three weeks which was an expected side affect.  I had the most god-awful twisted dreams, I remember being really unsettled by them when I woke up.  They could also be linked to the depression I suppose.  For a while, it seemed like I was still getting lower, which my doctor warned me about, but we kept on at it.  

I have a really clear memory of an absolute horrid night, where I didn't think I was going to make it through the night, because I couldn't take it anymore.  I honestly didn't think I'd make it.  I was lucky enough that one of my housemates sat with me as I drank and he took away my car keys.  And in the morning when I woke up, I was so happy to be alive, so relieved.  I don't think I will ever <i>ever</i> forget that feeling of sheer relief I felt, when I realised I made it through the night.  It was my turning point, two months or so after starting the meds.  I have such a clear memory of that night.  I can even tell you it was a Thursday night.  That is how much it is cemented into my brain.  Along with the overwhelming relief.  I can still bring up that feeling now, if I'm ever incredibly wound up and anxious about something.  I use it to remind myself how good unstressed and relaxed/relieved feels like. 

I took antidepressants along with counselling/therapy (at my request) and meditation for anxiety.  I actually went to a psychologist first, who referred me back to a GP.  My doctor also prescribed 30 min of exercise daily - some kind of activity that was enough to get the heart rate up.  It took me about 6 months of the combined treatments to be off the meds.  I haven't been on meds since then, although there are times when I possibly could have been.  Or should have been.  There are times when I've felt bad, or low and it's taken a few weeks to swing back.  I often wonder if I would have recovered better those times if I was on medication. 

Now, I just focus on getting enough rest, enough time to chillout and I try to keep exercising.  This is probably my other big push for why I focus on exercise more than my diet.  I try to keep reminding myself that I need to exercise so my brain works better. 

Truly, things can get better.  They don't need to stay bleak.  I put off going to see anyone for a long time, until I broke down crying at work.  Completely no idea what started it, but I was crying for three hours, just couldn't stop it.  Even when I somewhat pulled myself together, I still had tears leaking constantly from my eyes.  Had all these circular thoughts going around and around in my head.  I was crying for me, for my boyfriend, for my friends.  Just crying.  It was my call to action.

As I said, I went to a psychologist first, to see if I could do this without medication.  After a few sessions, we decided to get the GP on board who did a whole range of blood tests.  After ruling out anything hormonal or nutrient or vitamin deficient, we chose to medicate.  I don't regret that decision at all, because for me, it was a necessary step to pull myself up before I didn't need them any more.  I continued to see the counsellor twice a week until the worst of it eased off, then once a week, once a fortnight.

I still have the meditation CD now and it's always one of the first mp3 files I upload to a new computer/device.  I just realised I can put it on my new smart phone.  Will get on that.  I will set aside the time to mediate when I feel myself getting too stressed, although I could probably do with meditating more often.

Overall, I would say it took me 6 months to get back to how I was before.  And I'm still not exactly the same.  I'm a lot more anxious now.  A lot more reserved.  I went from being carefree and pretty out there and extroverted to being an introvert and a homebody.  I still find it really hard to be in public and in crowds.  But I am no where near what I was like when I was depressed, and I feel I can live with this change of personality, if it means I'm not depressed.  Besides, I'm okay with who I am now and I reckon it ties in with growing up and growing older too. 

But this is what worked for me.  I can't say what will work for you.  BUT if you are feel low and depressed  you need to seek out professional help for this.  Your friends and family can support you, but a doctor/medical team will be the ones who can best help you, whether that's by counselling, hormone or vitamin therapy, or by prescribing anti-depressants.

Take care everyone,

There has got to be a better way...

On Sunday, I went grocery shopping.  My least favourite domestic chore.  Give me a room full of ironing instead.  A garden full of weeds.  A sink of dishes, or a clogged drain, or cobwebs, or a tank of scorpions, or dunking my hands in boiling oil or….  Sorry, got carried away there, didn’t I? :D 

(By the way, I take forever to get to the point in this post, so if you just want to read the “message” I got out of this experience, scroll down until you get to the purple writing)(but I’d be honoured if you read through the whole thing).

I find grocery shopping to be absolutely the most stressful task ever (yes, English teachers, I am hyperbolising).  I don’t know what it is, but it just doesn’t work for me.  I know the rules/strategies to make it smoother, and yet, NO.

·         I create a meal plan – for my dinners and lunches mainly.  I know my breakfast is going to be porridge or cereal. 

·         I shop my pantry & freezer first – what have I got that needs to be used up?

·         I scour the catalogues to see what’s on special

·         I write a list to buy just the things I need

·         I include on my shopping list what I’m making for meals in the week so I’m less likely to impulse buy.  (if it was on special and I wanted it, it would have been in the catalogue and made it onto my list already).  So when I'm looking at an aisle, and wondering why I've picked up an item, I check with my meal plan to see if I can aford or need to fit in the deviation.

·         I shop late in the day when there are less people around and more manager’s specials

·         I shop the perimeter of the store and stay out of the aisles when I can

·         I don’t shop hungry – I make sure I have eaten before I go.

I live on my own: I cook for one person.  I go shopping everyweek.  AND YET IT STILL TAKES ME OVER AN HOUR EACH TIME!!  This has always been a point of contention for me.  It takes me AN HOUR to shop for one person.  Each week!!  Argh!!  Exclamation points to make my feelings known!!

So, that’s enough backstory, right?  Sunday, grocery shopping, went with a list & meal plan.  

Now, I’m currently sitting a delicate balance between eating good healthy food and sticking to a budget.  I know lately that my shops have taken a little longer, because in the fresh produce section, I’m picking everything up, weighing it, then calculating the cost.  I keep a running total on my hand, so much so that by the end of my trip I look like this guy:

Well, my hand does anyway! I probably look a little odd for it, I'll be the first to admit.

I possibly also emanate a little whiff of ‘nutter’ by muttering to myself my sums.  $43-50, $43-50, 43-50, and then that’s $1.20, so I’m going to round that up to $1.50. 43-50 plus $1.50, 43-50 plus $1.50, that’s going to be ..... 45! 45,45,45,45.45,45...  All while walking back to my trolley and etc.

Sunday’s shop proved to be long and stressful as I was conscious of trying to stay within my budget (went over by $25).  By 5:40pm - mentally - I was done.  That was it.  I was tired and cranky and stressed and worried about getting home and cooking dinner and preparing lunch for Monday and still getting some reports finished for work the next day and ... ! I was over it.

Fifteen more minutes and I was finally in the last aisle.  And I admit, I was swayed by the ice-cream fridge as I walked past it.  Individual ice-cream cups of 200ml (6-7 oz? fl. oz?) were half price and only $1 each.  Bargain!  I could buy some to stock up and they could sit in my freezer and I could eat them in pre-decided portion amounts!  What could be neater?! (ß You can see where this is going right? Delusion City!!).  I’d been debating getting ice-cream anyway and at that price, who was I to resist?  (Mind you, I must have looked nuttier again as I got them, because the flavours I like best were at the very back of the top shelf.  Now, I’m tall, but I still had to stretch right up and then jump to get them.  I even had to use the tray they sit in to roll the very back ones forward.  I was determined to get that ice-cream!)  Now, as I walked back and forth with them, I started a conversation in my head. 

 KEEP READING FROM HERE!

I’m going to put the voice of ‘my conscience’ – my Jiminy Cricket as it were – in blue, to distinguish between the two sides of my conversation.

As I looked at the ice-cream, I said to myself: I want ice-cream. 

But then just as quickly, I asked myself do you really? Why? Why do you want ice-cream? The weather’s not even that warm.

I know, but I just want ice-cream.

But why?

I want something comforting.

I feel stressed and anxious and I want to feel better.

So... you don’t really want ice-cream do you?

… No, I just want something to make me feel better.

Is ice-cream going to be it?

Ice-cream will make me feel better

. . . 

No; it won’t. 

I’ll just feel like I’ve eaten ice-cream, but I won’t feel any better.  I’ll feel sick from having had too much sugar and I’ll still feel anxious and stressed about work tomorrow, but I won’t feel better for having eaten ice-cream.  I’ll also feel guilty onto top of anxious, because I’ve eaten food with meaningless calories.  I’ll have eaten it for no benefit. It’ll just be (fat) gain.

Well, what will make you feel better and less stressed?

Taking 15 minutes to meditate when I get back home

… And, it worked!  I got home, dumped the bags on the counter and before I even unpacked anything, I sat out on the balcony (it was a beautiful, still, balmy night), put in my earphones and played my favourite meditation tracks (5 minute mindfulness followed by a 10 minute progressive relaxation).  15 minutes later, I felt calmer and more settled.

I was ready to tackle dinner, and lunch and everything else I had to do. 

And I didn’t eat any of that ice-cream! 

All the tubs are still sitting in my freezer, ready for when I am ready to eat one because I’ve budgeted it into my daily calories.  Not because “I want something to make me feel better”.

And I’m going to remind myself of that each time I open the freezer looking for food:  Do you really want that, or do you just want something to make you feel better?