Sun 26 July

In the last two and a half weeks, I've been doing better.
I've been exercising more regularly.  Not super regularly, but picking up the habit.
I've also been working on the eating.  That's taking longer to get right.

I've also had hectic weeks back at work.
And with looking after my mum & her house.

All of the next weekends in the forseeable future have something one.  Every weekend in August, plus the first few in September.

Crazy.

Gotta keep working on getting those good habits in.

Because they have made a difference so far.

Wed 8 July, I weighed in at 110 kg.  My official highest weight ever.
As of Wed 22 July, I was down to 104.7 kg.

That's progress.

I need to keep doing what I've been doing, but better.

Better eating
Better journalling
Better logging
Better sleep
Better exercising

Better looking after myself.

So I can get better results.

A reflection on Depression

I am inspired to write this after replying to a post by Josh over at 700poundsisasbadasitsounds.blogspot.com  There he points out how he reached a low place and stopped blogging.  

Depression.  And it reminded me of my experience with depression, about 7 years ago. 

*By the way, I am going to offer a trigger warning here for depression, self-harm, suicidal thoughts, and other thought/behaviour patterns of that nature.  Please don't proceed if this is a trigger for you*


Depression sucks.  It affects people in so many different ways.  
I was really critical and hard on myself.  I was forgetful and so confused <i>all the time</i>.  I couldn't keep a thought straight in my head.  I hurt so much inside. I lost my social skills and didn't know how to interact with people. Everywhere I went I never seemed to feel right.  When I was at home I wanted to be out.  When I was out I wanted to be by myself.  I was either crying for 4 hours non-stop, hating myself violently or not feeling anything at all.  

I hurt myself in different ways.  
I bit down hard on my arm one night.  To stop myself from screaming from the hurt I felt inside.  Ended up with a whopper bruise that lasted over 2  1/2 weeks.  I scratched my arm til it bled.  I still have the scar from that.  I started smoking around this time and I used to give myself smileys from the lighter.  On my feet, so no-one would see them, but I would feel them everytime I walked, their presence a reminder of what I was not feeling.  Oddly enough cutting never appealed to me.  Tried it, I couldn't even break the skin.

I ended up on Zoloft as my anti-depressant.  We started on the lowest dosage and then bumped it up one when the low dosage wasn't doing anything for me.  I felt nauseous (nauseated?) for the first two-three weeks which was an expected side affect.  I had the most god-awful twisted dreams, I remember being really unsettled by them when I woke up.  They could also be linked to the depression I suppose.  For a while, it seemed like I was still getting lower, which my doctor warned me about, but we kept on at it.  

I have a really clear memory of an absolute horrid night, where I didn't think I was going to make it through the night, because I couldn't take it anymore.  I honestly didn't think I'd make it.  I was lucky enough that one of my housemates sat with me as I drank and he took away my car keys.  And in the morning when I woke up, I was so happy to be alive, so relieved.  I don't think I will ever <i>ever</i> forget that feeling of sheer relief I felt, when I realised I made it through the night.  It was my turning point, two months or so after starting the meds.  I have such a clear memory of that night.  I can even tell you it was a Thursday night.  That is how much it is cemented into my brain.  Along with the overwhelming relief.  I can still bring up that feeling now, if I'm ever incredibly wound up and anxious about something.  I use it to remind myself how good unstressed and relaxed/relieved feels like. 

I took antidepressants along with counselling/therapy (at my request) and meditation for anxiety.  I actually went to a psychologist first, who referred me back to a GP.  My doctor also prescribed 30 min of exercise daily - some kind of activity that was enough to get the heart rate up.  It took me about 6 months of the combined treatments to be off the meds.  I haven't been on meds since then, although there are times when I possibly could have been.  Or should have been.  There are times when I've felt bad, or low and it's taken a few weeks to swing back.  I often wonder if I would have recovered better those times if I was on medication. 

Now, I just focus on getting enough rest, enough time to chillout and I try to keep exercising.  This is probably my other big push for why I focus on exercise more than my diet.  I try to keep reminding myself that I need to exercise so my brain works better. 

Truly, things can get better.  They don't need to stay bleak.  I put off going to see anyone for a long time, until I broke down crying at work.  Completely no idea what started it, but I was crying for three hours, just couldn't stop it.  Even when I somewhat pulled myself together, I still had tears leaking constantly from my eyes.  Had all these circular thoughts going around and around in my head.  I was crying for me, for my boyfriend, for my friends.  Just crying.  It was my call to action.

As I said, I went to a psychologist first, to see if I could do this without medication.  After a few sessions, we decided to get the GP on board who did a whole range of blood tests.  After ruling out anything hormonal or nutrient or vitamin deficient, we chose to medicate.  I don't regret that decision at all, because for me, it was a necessary step to pull myself up before I didn't need them any more.  I continued to see the counsellor twice a week until the worst of it eased off, then once a week, once a fortnight.

I still have the meditation CD now and it's always one of the first mp3 files I upload to a new computer/device.  I just realised I can put it on my new smart phone.  Will get on that.  I will set aside the time to mediate when I feel myself getting too stressed, although I could probably do with meditating more often.

Overall, I would say it took me 6 months to get back to how I was before.  And I'm still not exactly the same.  I'm a lot more anxious now.  A lot more reserved.  I went from being carefree and pretty out there and extroverted to being an introvert and a homebody.  I still find it really hard to be in public and in crowds.  But I am no where near what I was like when I was depressed, and I feel I can live with this change of personality, if it means I'm not depressed.  Besides, I'm okay with who I am now and I reckon it ties in with growing up and growing older too. 

But this is what worked for me.  I can't say what will work for you.  BUT if you are feel low and depressed  you need to seek out professional help for this.  Your friends and family can support you, but a doctor/medical team will be the ones who can best help you, whether that's by counselling, hormone or vitamin therapy, or by prescribing anti-depressants.

Take care everyone,

So, what now?

So, what's next?

I ran my 5k on the weekend, what do I do now?

Well, at this stage, I have no other events I am entered into.  I've been thinking about the 5km NEON Run in October, which is a night event, kind of a 5km-disco-nightclub type event.  It sounds like it's going to be a lot of fun.  I had been thinking about it last year, but hemmed and hawed and missed it.  It's for one of my favourite charities, Beyond Blue.  Australia's national initiative to raise awareness of anxiety and depression.  I think the work they do is fantastic and so, so, so important.

After the B2B, I'd been spending most of the afternoon, whilst recovering, looking up other 5km events that are occurring this year.  There are still a few more coming up, so I am starting to put together a list of dates and costs.  More to come on that L8R (later).

I'm also counting down the days to when the swimming pool at work re-opens.  I have access to a 25m pool outside of work hours.   Cannot wait until the covers come off and the pool is cleaned and treated and ready for use again.  Even though I didn't swim as much this past summer (2013/14) as much as the summer before (2012/13), for the past two months or so I've been really missing swimming.  A lot.  So much so that while I am waiting for the work pool to be ready, I might (if I have time, the next two weeks are really busy!) duck into the council pool to have a swim.

I think at this stage I have two goals I want to accomplish.

1. To complete Couch to 5k and run 5km by the end of the year
2. To swim 1km non-stop by the end of the year.

Now, I haven't run them through SMART yet to see if they are reasonable/achievable goals, but they are what I want.  

• I'm already making progress on being able to run 5km.  

• When I was swimming in 2012/13, I was swimming around about 700m each session, three times a week.  

Given that I have been working on exercises that are more aerobic in nature (running & Zumba), I'm keen to see the effect that it will have on my swimming ability.  I've been (hopefully) building the muscles in my legs by running, so my kicks should be stronger.  And Zumba & running should be improving my cardio & lung function so I won't get as out of breath as quickly.

I'll be back with another post soon, ~2weeks and let you know my plans for getting there.

Oh!  And probably up date my weight & measurements!  : )

Quick check-in!

Hi there!
Quick check-in from me.

This morning I ran in the Bridge to Brisbane fun-run.  It has a 10km and 5km course, and I ran the 5km.  I say ran, but really, it was more of a jog.  In intervals.

When I entered (back in June) I was planning on completing the Couch to 5k program.  Well, I started, but then got waylaid.  I hadn't actually made it past Week 3.  Such a shame.  However, I took what I learnt from that and tried to run in interval fashion.  I decided, when I entered, to take my chances on entering into the 'Joggers' category as opposed to the 'Walkers' category.  The Joggers were meant to finish <45min.  (Runners <30min).  I actually got rather worried about that because I hadn't finished my C25K training, I was worried that I would take longer than 45minutes and I'd be disqualified.

Turns out, after emailing the organisers, it's not a <45min but more ~45min.  <Rolls eyes>.  Urgh... being a maths person, those terms are pretty darn concrete.  LESS THAN is not the same as AROUND/ABOUT/APPROX.  Grrrr.....

My biggest worry was that I wouldn't finish in the time I was meant to for my category.  I actually felt really anxious and keyed up about it before the race.  I have to wonder if I felt nervous/worried in my other races or more excited?  On reflection, I can't recall.  I want to keep an eye out on it though for next time.

So anyhow, ran the race this morning, not all at once, broke it into to walk/jog intervals.  Think I managed to jog the whole 1st kilometre!  After that, I ran to music, making sure I ran for the duration of an entire song - those with pumping jams at least.  I think it helped, because I ran faster when I was running along to music.

And.... drumroll please.....

My official finishing time was......



UNDER 45 MINUTES?!?!?  Wahoo!!  I'm so very excited about that, yay!

 *yawn*

Aaaaaaanad... I guess the toils of the day are starting to take affect (effect?) on me.  Time I think to heat up some dinner (Rich beef casserole) and curl up on the couch with some TV.  It's my plan, and I like it : )

An update – what I’ve done, what I’m going to be doing

Okay, I did mention last post that my posting is sporadic, and I would try to update again soon(ish). A month later and here we are.

So, my previous update was in late March.

Early April I bought a fitbit.  I own a fitbit One and I think it’s great.  I really enjoy using it and seeing every day just how active or inactive I am.  The days when I am not at work, I tend to be really, really inactive.  I barely make 5,000 steps those days.  So it motivates me on really lazy days when I’ve been on the couch all day to at least get out in the afternoon and take a 3km walk.  Along the same routes that I took earlier this year when I was going for a walk every morning.  

In June I was particularly busy:

I did (for the second year) the 14km City2South funrun (15^th June).  I walked it, because that’s pretty much all I was capable of.  My goal was to finish faster than last year. 

If you recall, my last years’ time was 2:44:24.  An average pace of 11:44min/km. 

 
This year I managed to finish in…

Am I making any progress? Part 3

Hmm, I hadn’t initially thought of making this a three part post, but it makes sense to share this here and now, and not later.  It makes a nice little summary to what I’ve already discussed here and here.

 So, this year, I haven’t been blogging very well.  In fact, for the last year I haven’t been blogging very well.  Nor have I been losing weight.  Last year I experienced some success in losing weight – using myfitnesspal – in June last year.  But of course, I slacked off and the weight went back up.  New Year, new chance to start again.  I really want to make getting healthier & losing weight a priority this year.  I know I eat better when I log.  So I’m going to keep logging.  I know I eat better when I exercise.  So I’m going to keep exercising.

I haven’t really noticed any correlation to my daily weighings and my eating habits.  Nor mood.  Like, I’m happy to see it go down, but if it goes up, it’s due to what I ate, or the amount of water I didn’t drink, etc, etc.  I’m thinking I’m lucky and I don’t get scale obsessive.  For me, it’s about the data and trends and numbers.  Couldn’t care less about what the actual numbers are, I just find it fascinating to see them. 

I’m still only considering my weekly weigh-in on a Monday as my “official” weight.  I could I guess use the weight on weightgrapher.com, but I’m happy just using Mondays.  Additionally, because weightloss shouldn’t be all about the scale, I’m also going to take measurements.  I figure for those I’ll only do it once a month, because I’m not really do high intensity exercise like aerobics or weight lifting, so a weekly measurement is not going to be drastic.

So to sum up:

• I’ve been exercising by walking two or three times a week.
• I’ve restarted dance classes
• I’ve been avoiding buying foods I can’t moderate
• I’ve been logging (almost) every day since the start of the year.  There have been days when I couldn’t get on, but I backtracked and filled them in as best I could.
• I’ve been weighing myself daily to see if there is a trend of me losing weight

Has it made a difference?  You be the judge.  (And I know I don’t take photos very well.  Yes, these were selfies in the bathroom mirror – sorry!)

Am I making any progress? Part 1

Hi there!

I pointed out, mmm... two three weeks ago that I was working on updating my weightloss table in the other tab? And yet I never got round to it.

But I want to assure you all that I have been working hard at losing weight.  It's been a long slow process, but I think I might be finally getting somewhere.

I made the decision at the start of the year that I was going to try (once again) to lose weight.  I reset my goals in MFP and used the opportunity of being on summer break to re-evaluate my lifestyle and get myself in order. 

I decided to do a few things differently.  One I've already talked about is going for a walk much more frequently.  I worked out that I should have at any time, at least 30 min to go for a walk, everyday.  I haven't been perfect, but there hasn't been a week that's gone by where I haven't been for a walk.  There have been days where I'm tired, and I don't wanna, but! I've laced up my shoes, and I've gone.  Go me.

I've even now worked out 4 definite routes of 3km (1.8mi).  Because they loop, I can instantly double it by switching directions - huzzah!  The reason I've chosen 3km is because my average walking pace is 10:25min/km, or just under 6km/hr -> googling a conversion calculator tells me this is... 16.76 min/mi and 3.58mph.  So therefore, I can 'spare' the half hour necessary to get a decent walk in, no matter how I'm feeling, or what the time of day is.

So that's One.

Two - I have stopped buying foods that I know I binge on.  Ice cream for example is a food that I can't keep in the house.  No matter how I buy it - 1L tubs, 250mL tubs, individual cornettos or magnums, I can't seem to pace it out.  I buy ice cream with the intention of eeking it out over weeks, and I end up consuming all I bought in 3 days.  That's not cool.  The same goes for some other foods too, like chicken kebab skewers.  I bake 8 at a time, with the intention of taking all the cubed meat and freezing it for lunches or salads... Nope.  They barely made it to the next morning.  

So... I can't have those foods right now.  But what I can have, I'm happy with.  Cake & donuts freeze really well.  I was surprised!  But they do.  I bought a little 'party cake' - along the size of a Madeira cake - that was to for 6 portions.  So I cut it up into 6 portions and wrapped it in alfoil and stuck it in the freezer.  If I want something sweet, I know it's there.
So that's an ongoing thing I'm learning and dealing with.

Three - I decided that if I don't lose weight and that this is it?  Oh well.  Too bad.  If I stay at this size forever, well, that's not something I'm overly happy about, but right now, it might have to do.  But there's certainly nothing stopping me from being healthy at this size.  I'm not really a proponent of HAES, but I do feel that I can make myself healthier - heart-wise and diet-wise.  So, that's what I'm concentrating on right now.  If I lose weight along the way, so much the better.

So that's progress, doncha think?  I hope it's progress.  It feels like progress in any case.