Sun 5 July

When I woke up this morning I went for a short walk.  2.1 km.   It felt good to do that and made me question why I don't do it more often?  It only took about 20 minutes.  And despite it being winter, it was a lovely morning.  Guess that's what happens when you live in Qld  :-)

On Friday night I went to the gym.  Not my regular one that I signed up in, but rather the one closest to my house.  I joined one of those 24-hr gym franchises.  So glad I did.  It meant that on Friday when I got the guilts for just sitting and bumming around the house all day, I could pack my bag, get into gym gear and go exercise - at 10pm at night.  Loved it.

For starters, the gym space at this second location is bigger - way bigger.  It had more weight machines and better layout, so that I actually have space to do ab work at the end of my routine.  The gym that I signed up at, well, it's looking a little bit sad and pathetic.  I even questioned whether I had made the right choice when I first went in.  (I picked this franchise because it had locations that were most convenient to me - for where I am studying (1), working & living (2) and even near my mum's house(3) ).  Now, as it turned out, I saved myself the $180 joining fee, because the (1) gym I use is actually going to relocate soon.  Luckily, it's still convenient for me.  It's little closer down the road, and its meant to end up with more parking, more change rooms, and more equipment.  If (2) is anything to go by, then (1) is going to end up great!

The other reason why I liked (2) is it had better music!  The music at (1) is crap.  Even through headphones, you can hear it.  Overall, (2) feels more modern and updated too.  So I can't wait to use it again.

Although not today.  Today, I'm off to a major celebration milestone that my city is putting on.

For a bridge.  

Yep!  One of Brisbane's iconic bridges is turning 75 and the city is making a pretty big deal out of it and making it pretty spesh.  Tickets were only available online through an allotment?  allocation?  system.  Not entirely sure how to put it.  There were only so many tickets made available and you could only reserve up to 10.  And they were gone within minutes!  Like, 25,000-tickets-snapped-up-in-less-than-20-minutes kind of thing.    I'm a bit worried about how I will go with the crowds today, but I've been having a good run of people interactions lately so I'm feeling confident?  calm?  Like, I have to leave the house in an hour, and I'm still not panicking yet.  Normally, I'd have been feeling sick and dread from this time yesterday.

But so far so good.  :)

Wish me luck!

A reflection on Depression

I am inspired to write this after replying to a post by Josh over at 700poundsisasbadasitsounds.blogspot.com  There he points out how he reached a low place and stopped blogging.  

Depression.  And it reminded me of my experience with depression, about 7 years ago. 

*By the way, I am going to offer a trigger warning here for depression, self-harm, suicidal thoughts, and other thought/behaviour patterns of that nature.  Please don't proceed if this is a trigger for you*


Depression sucks.  It affects people in so many different ways.  
I was really critical and hard on myself.  I was forgetful and so confused <i>all the time</i>.  I couldn't keep a thought straight in my head.  I hurt so much inside. I lost my social skills and didn't know how to interact with people. Everywhere I went I never seemed to feel right.  When I was at home I wanted to be out.  When I was out I wanted to be by myself.  I was either crying for 4 hours non-stop, hating myself violently or not feeling anything at all.  

I hurt myself in different ways.  
I bit down hard on my arm one night.  To stop myself from screaming from the hurt I felt inside.  Ended up with a whopper bruise that lasted over 2  1/2 weeks.  I scratched my arm til it bled.  I still have the scar from that.  I started smoking around this time and I used to give myself smileys from the lighter.  On my feet, so no-one would see them, but I would feel them everytime I walked, their presence a reminder of what I was not feeling.  Oddly enough cutting never appealed to me.  Tried it, I couldn't even break the skin.

I ended up on Zoloft as my anti-depressant.  We started on the lowest dosage and then bumped it up one when the low dosage wasn't doing anything for me.  I felt nauseous (nauseated?) for the first two-three weeks which was an expected side affect.  I had the most god-awful twisted dreams, I remember being really unsettled by them when I woke up.  They could also be linked to the depression I suppose.  For a while, it seemed like I was still getting lower, which my doctor warned me about, but we kept on at it.  

I have a really clear memory of an absolute horrid night, where I didn't think I was going to make it through the night, because I couldn't take it anymore.  I honestly didn't think I'd make it.  I was lucky enough that one of my housemates sat with me as I drank and he took away my car keys.  And in the morning when I woke up, I was so happy to be alive, so relieved.  I don't think I will ever <i>ever</i> forget that feeling of sheer relief I felt, when I realised I made it through the night.  It was my turning point, two months or so after starting the meds.  I have such a clear memory of that night.  I can even tell you it was a Thursday night.  That is how much it is cemented into my brain.  Along with the overwhelming relief.  I can still bring up that feeling now, if I'm ever incredibly wound up and anxious about something.  I use it to remind myself how good unstressed and relaxed/relieved feels like. 

I took antidepressants along with counselling/therapy (at my request) and meditation for anxiety.  I actually went to a psychologist first, who referred me back to a GP.  My doctor also prescribed 30 min of exercise daily - some kind of activity that was enough to get the heart rate up.  It took me about 6 months of the combined treatments to be off the meds.  I haven't been on meds since then, although there are times when I possibly could have been.  Or should have been.  There are times when I've felt bad, or low and it's taken a few weeks to swing back.  I often wonder if I would have recovered better those times if I was on medication. 

Now, I just focus on getting enough rest, enough time to chillout and I try to keep exercising.  This is probably my other big push for why I focus on exercise more than my diet.  I try to keep reminding myself that I need to exercise so my brain works better. 

Truly, things can get better.  They don't need to stay bleak.  I put off going to see anyone for a long time, until I broke down crying at work.  Completely no idea what started it, but I was crying for three hours, just couldn't stop it.  Even when I somewhat pulled myself together, I still had tears leaking constantly from my eyes.  Had all these circular thoughts going around and around in my head.  I was crying for me, for my boyfriend, for my friends.  Just crying.  It was my call to action.

As I said, I went to a psychologist first, to see if I could do this without medication.  After a few sessions, we decided to get the GP on board who did a whole range of blood tests.  After ruling out anything hormonal or nutrient or vitamin deficient, we chose to medicate.  I don't regret that decision at all, because for me, it was a necessary step to pull myself up before I didn't need them any more.  I continued to see the counsellor twice a week until the worst of it eased off, then once a week, once a fortnight.

I still have the meditation CD now and it's always one of the first mp3 files I upload to a new computer/device.  I just realised I can put it on my new smart phone.  Will get on that.  I will set aside the time to mediate when I feel myself getting too stressed, although I could probably do with meditating more often.

Overall, I would say it took me 6 months to get back to how I was before.  And I'm still not exactly the same.  I'm a lot more anxious now.  A lot more reserved.  I went from being carefree and pretty out there and extroverted to being an introvert and a homebody.  I still find it really hard to be in public and in crowds.  But I am no where near what I was like when I was depressed, and I feel I can live with this change of personality, if it means I'm not depressed.  Besides, I'm okay with who I am now and I reckon it ties in with growing up and growing older too. 

But this is what worked for me.  I can't say what will work for you.  BUT if you are feel low and depressed  you need to seek out professional help for this.  Your friends and family can support you, but a doctor/medical team will be the ones who can best help you, whether that's by counselling, hormone or vitamin therapy, or by prescribing anti-depressants.

Take care everyone,

Quick thoughts

Now that I'm back home I need to get into the logging habit again.  Slowly but surely, right? 

Already started one good thing when yesterday I ate my portion for dinner... and that was all. ☺  I was about to go and get more food but then I stopped myself.  I self-talked and questioned whether I was really hungry and could I not just let it be for once.  
Now the trick is to make it not just "for once" but for twice, for three times, four times...

Exercising has really been my mainstay.   I've been getting up early nearly every morning.  I skipped yesterday morning because it was raining.  In fact, it was raining this morning too.  But I didn't realise that until I was outside.  It was only a light dusting of precipitation.   If it were 20°C colder, it would have been the nicest lightest snowfall... * sigh*  I miss snow.  Anyhow.  It was light rain when I left the house. Ten minutes into my walk and it became a fraction heavier.  A steady drizzle.  It was heavy enough to be noticeable but too light to bother turning back.

This morning I also did 20 sit-ups for the first time since I don't know when.

☆   ☆   ☆

I mentioned last week I was starting to go through and sort my clothes.  Well, I decided to keep on going and unpack some of the boxes that were still in my bedroom.  I managed to knock through 2 of the big "wardrobe" size boxes yesterday.  Some things that were in there, were packed away in 2011.  I found so much stationery that I bought: pens, textas, highlighters, notebooks, staplers, scissors, erasers, sharpeners, display folders... so. much. stationery...  !!

I also found my sewing machine, my telescope and my exercise mat amongst all the other things.  So, with the duel benefit of having cleared space on the floor (by unpacking two boxes) I also thought I'd start some sit ups again.

So after getting back from my walk this morning, I talked myself into some sit ups.

I'm going to try and make it another daily habit.  I am sure I have said this before, but I think the sit ups help with how much my stomach hangs out from my body.  It's probably really stupid, but I really do think that when I do sit ups, the muscles of my gut get stronger and are more able to hold my tummy in.  In fact when I suck my gut in, even right now at my current size, I can almost fool myself into thinking that it is not so bad. I'm willing to leave the house looking like I do, as long as I concentrate on keeping my gut sucked in. Next Monday when I do photos again for progress I'll do contrast of stomach muscles relaxed versus tensed.  I'll bet there's a difference.

An apology of sorts, and trying to get back on track.

First off I want to apologise and thank people for yesterday.

I want to offer an apology for those of you who felt upset or hurt by my comments in yesterday's post.  I know some of you will have parents who are ill.  Or who have parents who have already passed.  And there I am whinging like an immature brat about having to spend time with my mum.  That's not fair for you to bear the brunt of my anger, when you will obviously have different feelings on the subject.  I 'm sorry.  I know that whatever I say, will in no way make it better for you, but I am sorry. 

For those that left comments on yesterday's post, thank-you.  I didn't actually post it expecting sympathy.  I was more prepared for the "Get over yourself" type comments, which quite frankly, I deserve.  I openly acknowledge I am not a nice person.  But thanks to everyone who read; and read and took the time to comment.  You didn't have to, but you did.  And I appreciate it.

To close up, I do think yesterday was beneficial in a way.  Almost as soon as I wrote the post, I was beginning to calm down, and feel less anxious and stressed and angry.  I ate my dinner, made a cup of tea, and then watched Disney movies on the couch until I fell asleep.  It seems to have helped, because I woke up today feel somewhat more positive and pro-active.  And I got stuff done today, stuff that I wanted/needed to do, like the car insurance, laptop dropped off for repair, and am closer to making a decision about a phone, multifunction cooker & upright freezer. Five big, time consuming things and I managed to start to get it done.  Early tomorrow I'm going to call up and organise the car servicing and buy the multi function cooker and upright freezer.  The place is just down the road from me, so hopefully delivery will be able to be organised quickly.

In light of all that was going on in my head yesterday and today, I decided to check out my horoscope this morning. 

I love the vagueness of horoscopes don't you?  I read this one as relevant, given my rant yesterday.

Monday, Sep 29, 2014 -- Although you are eager to change the dynamics between you and others today, it's challenging to regain normalcy once the energy begins to shift. There could be a lot at stake in a relationship now, but don't try to force your will on anyone else. The more you attempt to control the outcome, the more distant you grow from your goals. Express your passions and remain open to the many possibilities ahead

So, I just need to breathe out and let it go.  Accept there are things out of my control.  Get over myself and let myself take care of my mum.  And not let it take me from my goals.

I'm off to mum's tomorrow, for the next two days, then I get Friday and the weekend before I'm back at work.

I can use the weekend to finalise my time budget plan thing.  I'm having trouble manipulating excel to come up the layout I want.  Every time I think I have set the cells to the size I want, when I do a test print, they end up smaller.  I have a particular size in mind, so I can write necessary details in them.  Oh!  And they keep running over to 2nd/3rd page, even though, by my calculations, (working in metric measurement units) they should fit onto the page size I want, even with a margin allowance for printing.  Grrr.  But I'll get there.  I need to by Monday anyway, because that's when my work week starts.

Aaaaand... given I still have about an hour before I need to be in bed, I'm going to use my remaining time to go work on that.

Once again, I'm sorry to everyone for yesterday's post and I thank-you for your comments.  

So, what now?

So, what's next?

I ran my 5k on the weekend, what do I do now?

Well, at this stage, I have no other events I am entered into.  I've been thinking about the 5km NEON Run in October, which is a night event, kind of a 5km-disco-nightclub type event.  It sounds like it's going to be a lot of fun.  I had been thinking about it last year, but hemmed and hawed and missed it.  It's for one of my favourite charities, Beyond Blue.  Australia's national initiative to raise awareness of anxiety and depression.  I think the work they do is fantastic and so, so, so important.

After the B2B, I'd been spending most of the afternoon, whilst recovering, looking up other 5km events that are occurring this year.  There are still a few more coming up, so I am starting to put together a list of dates and costs.  More to come on that L8R (later).

I'm also counting down the days to when the swimming pool at work re-opens.  I have access to a 25m pool outside of work hours.   Cannot wait until the covers come off and the pool is cleaned and treated and ready for use again.  Even though I didn't swim as much this past summer (2013/14) as much as the summer before (2012/13), for the past two months or so I've been really missing swimming.  A lot.  So much so that while I am waiting for the work pool to be ready, I might (if I have time, the next two weeks are really busy!) duck into the council pool to have a swim.

I think at this stage I have two goals I want to accomplish.

1. To complete Couch to 5k and run 5km by the end of the year
2. To swim 1km non-stop by the end of the year.

Now, I haven't run them through SMART yet to see if they are reasonable/achievable goals, but they are what I want.  

• I'm already making progress on being able to run 5km.  

• When I was swimming in 2012/13, I was swimming around about 700m each session, three times a week.  

Given that I have been working on exercises that are more aerobic in nature (running & Zumba), I'm keen to see the effect that it will have on my swimming ability.  I've been (hopefully) building the muscles in my legs by running, so my kicks should be stronger.  And Zumba & running should be improving my cardio & lung function so I won't get as out of breath as quickly.

I'll be back with another post soon, ~2weeks and let you know my plans for getting there.

Oh!  And probably up date my weight & measurements!  : )

Quick check-in!

Hi there!
Quick check-in from me.

This morning I ran in the Bridge to Brisbane fun-run.  It has a 10km and 5km course, and I ran the 5km.  I say ran, but really, it was more of a jog.  In intervals.

When I entered (back in June) I was planning on completing the Couch to 5k program.  Well, I started, but then got waylaid.  I hadn't actually made it past Week 3.  Such a shame.  However, I took what I learnt from that and tried to run in interval fashion.  I decided, when I entered, to take my chances on entering into the 'Joggers' category as opposed to the 'Walkers' category.  The Joggers were meant to finish <45min.  (Runners <30min).  I actually got rather worried about that because I hadn't finished my C25K training, I was worried that I would take longer than 45minutes and I'd be disqualified.

Turns out, after emailing the organisers, it's not a <45min but more ~45min.  <Rolls eyes>.  Urgh... being a maths person, those terms are pretty darn concrete.  LESS THAN is not the same as AROUND/ABOUT/APPROX.  Grrrr.....

My biggest worry was that I wouldn't finish in the time I was meant to for my category.  I actually felt really anxious and keyed up about it before the race.  I have to wonder if I felt nervous/worried in my other races or more excited?  On reflection, I can't recall.  I want to keep an eye out on it though for next time.

So anyhow, ran the race this morning, not all at once, broke it into to walk/jog intervals.  Think I managed to jog the whole 1st kilometre!  After that, I ran to music, making sure I ran for the duration of an entire song - those with pumping jams at least.  I think it helped, because I ran faster when I was running along to music.

And.... drumroll please.....

My official finishing time was......



UNDER 45 MINUTES?!?!?  Wahoo!!  I'm so very excited about that, yay!

 *yawn*

Aaaaaaanad... I guess the toils of the day are starting to take affect (effect?) on me.  Time I think to heat up some dinner (Rich beef casserole) and curl up on the couch with some TV.  It's my plan, and I like it : )

Time, time, time; see what's become of me

Hi there!

Yes, I disappeared again.  

And it is for the obvious reason you assume – where I stopped caring, so I stopped trying, so I stopped eating good food and I stopped exercising, so I stopped logging food and exercise, so I stopped blogging about it.

I gained some weight back.  I was hovering around 98kg last time I blogged.  Nearly back at my starting weight!! Now, I’m closer to 102kg.  But that’s okay.  It’s not way up there near my all-time high - 108kg - it's just not where I want to be.  But, as I keep saying, “I can change that”.  And I do.  And I’m getting there slowly.  It’s lots of small steps forward, baby steps back, stumble forward again. 

What can I say, but that it is a work in progress?  I’m trying to instil new habits.  Some are sticking; some are slowly sliding off the wall like blu-tack in the summer.  

Something which seems to have stuck is waking up and getting out of bed every morning at 5am, when my alarm goes off.  As opposed to sleeping through it for the next hour & half.  I’m not a morning person. I never have been.  But, I do see the benefit of getting up early of a morning.  I seem to be able to get more done in my day when I’m up early.  And, I’d like to point out that it’s winter here, so getting out of bed when it’s dark and cold is not easy.  But, I’ve been able to do it.  For almost three months now I think?  Even when I’ve stayed away from home, I’ve been able to do it consistently.  

I also eat pretty much the same breakfast everyday now, and I make it the night before.  It’s my yoghurt-porridge thing.  “Overnight Oats” I think is the prevailing phrase on pinterest.

Not much else seems to have stuck.  Trying to get more fruit & vege in my day.  Trying to get enough water in my day.  Trying to get a chance to actually sit and eat during the day.  Trying to exercise everyday.  *Shrugs*  Gotta keep working on all of that.  

It all seems to come down to time, not having enough and not managing well the time that I do have.  And I think that’s one of the main factors that has influenced how I approach this blog and this weightloss/healthiness malarkey.  I struggle big time to fit some of the ‘basics’ in every day.  Eg: Food journaling - then logging in MFP, exercising – then loading that into Nike+, Daily weighing – then filing out my spreadsheet, or weightgrapher app… and so on.  I know that technically I don’t need to do all that, but when I do, it’s a system that works.  I’ve found that just simply writing my food down, without logging it, isn’t enough.  It doesn’t make that much of an impact to just see the food written on my page – I need to see the numbers to see if I’m going over or not.

And with time being my biggest factor, I think I have to be honest and say this: if it comes down to a choice between
                a) taking the time to do something about getting healthier, or
                b) write about what I’m going to do/have been doing…
I think actions need to speak louder than words.   

And so I haven’t blogged.  I’ve been doing some stuff – a fair bit, now that I think about it – but I haven’t taken the time to stop and think and write.

I’m going to keep this blog and keep updating it, however I dare say my posting will continue to be sporadic and filled with empty gaps.  I’ll more than likely only fill in what I have done in bursts and in the past tense.  I can fill you in, in a follow up post, what I have been doing and what my plans for the next little bit are… and that might be the last you hear of me for another month or so.

If you can put up with that, then I thank-you for your comments, encouragement and support.  If you feel you need to leave, then by all means, I wish you well.