7 Feb. 15

Oh dear.  Can you tell I'm back at work again?  Absolutely no time to blog.  Or read other blogs.  Bugger.

Annoyingly too, weightloss is not happening.  But I know exactly why.   I'm not sleeping well, which leads to me not eating well.  I'm also not logging properly or even exercising.  So frustrating, because it all seems to take time, time which I feel I don't have to put into these things.  But I have to have time to do all these things otherwise I'm shortchanging my own health.  I keep telling myself I just need to get my feet onto the ground with what I'm doing at work and then I'll be fine.  *Rolls eyes*.  Yeah, because, like, that ever happens.  /sarcasm


I'm continuing on with the house cleaning and organising and unpacking.  I managed to clear another two boxes on Thursday afternoon, so I'm feeling pretty good about that.  It's starting to really get to me that I have been living in my unit for over two years now and I still haven't unpacked everything.  In every room there is mess and clutter and STUFF.  So much stuff... I mentioned it before how I find it hard to get rid of things.  I hold onto things for such a long time.  In fact, in one of those boxes I unpacked, I found the portable CD/Tape/Radio player that I received for my 13th birthday.  The one that hasn't working properly since I was fifteen and there was a power surge.  This means it doesn't work through the power cord any more, but it will work if you use 8 D cell batteries.  So I've held onto it all these years.  Because it was still usable.  It wasn't broken, just not in the best of working conditions.  

I'm feeling upset even as I mention it, but I decided to throw it out.  

 
By which I mean, I've put it in another area of my flat with the other electronics and appliances which no longer work as they should and I can take it to an e-waste disposer. 

It makes me so uncomfortable to know that I am doing that.  My first reaction when I saw it was 'Oh, I remember this, I remember how proud I was that I had a CD player, how cool it was to have one'.  My second was 'I don't need to get rid of this.  It still works on batteries.  This can go in a storm survival kit!' 

Anything so that I don't have to get rid of it, right? : (

It's so hard, but I'm working on it.  I am telling myself that it just wouldn't be practical in a storm kit.  It's huge.  It's 50cm in length (20in), and bulky besides.  It would take up most of the space.  Plus on top of that, 8 D cell batteries is expensive.  I've had it for over fifteen years, it's time to cut the apron strings.

So, another work in progress.

You know it's hot when...

It gets to 6 in the evening and you realise you haven't eaten anything all day   :S

Seriously.  I've been drinking lots of fluids, but I don't recall actually eating anything yet.  Lol.  Maybe my body knows that eating food will just mean my metabolism will create heat energy.  And it's just too hot for that today?  Who knows.  The prediction was for 40*C, but I think we only got to 38*C (100.4*F).  It certainly didn't feel as hot as 40*C (104*F). 

Oh wait!  I've nibbled at bits and pieces today.   So I haven't gone completely food free.  I'll tell you more in just a minute...


We have a long weekend this week because of the G20 summit. 

I have seriously never known my neighbourhood to be so quiet!  There was lots of media noise about Brisbane being a ghost town and I would have to agree.  It was actually kind of eerie.  I live in an inner city suburb - normally there's lots of movement and action and noise.  Friday it was silent.  So strange.

Instead of getting out of town, like most of the people must have done, I chose to stay at and get some things done at home.  Namely cooking.

That's right.  I chose to spend a weekend when the temperature was 35+ both days, in the kitchen with the oven on or the stove going.  Often both at the same time. 

Why?  Because I'm crazy.  : /

No, of course not really. But I needed to make hay while the sun shone.  And my hay making was getting myself organised meal-wise.  I've noticed the past few weeks I've been busy, both during the week and the weekend.  So busy that I've been neglecting to eat properly.  I've been grabbing lunch from a local greasy spoon often backing that up with some form of takeaway for dinner.  Or worse: ice-cream for dinner.  O_O  So, I realised that had to change.  So I took the opportunity this weekend to cook ahead some foods to keep in the freezer.

      Oh Yeah!  Did I say?  I bought that upright freezer I'd been thinking about back in October.  The Good Guys had a model that was going on clearance.  Whilst originally a few litres smaller than I was thinking about - for half the price of similar sizes, I wasn't going to be choosy!  Only paid $445 for a 180L freezer.  Bargin!

 I made:

• Mexican Mince - My take on chilli con carne.  I dose it up with cabbage, grated zucchini, grated carrot, spinach and 5 bean mix, on top of the mince, onion & tin tomato.
• Mushroom & Bacon quiche - with light shortcrust pastry, light sour cream, zucchini and shallots.  The bacon I use are those cubed bacon bits.
• Chicken & Mushroom quiche - using leftover roast chook.
• Devilled sausages - Look ma, no packet mix!  Added carrot for extra vege.
• Chicken Curry Pasta Bake - this I used a jar of curry simmer sauce for.  I added some grated zucchini for extra vege.
• Peanut Satay stir-fry - chicken, broccoli, cauliflower, cabbage, onion, celery, carrot, zucchini, green capsicum, green beans
• Beef stroganoff - again, not using a packet mix.  Lots of mushroom.  Steak, zucchini. 
• Creamy tomato sauce & filled pasta - you know, using those fresh filled pastas?  Angiolotti, ravioli, and so on.  And apart from using the most vegetably tomato pasta sauce I can (I LOVE Five Brothers' Summer Vegetables pasta sauce!) I add in (have you guessed?) grated zucchini and carrot.  

Not bad for a weekend's work, right?  And some of those I have already portioned up with a side of frozen vege.  So all I have to do is take a plastic carton from the freezer, defrost it and nuke it, and tuck in!

I am also going to get a salad mix going too.  Red cabbage, lettuce and baby spinach.  Chop/Shred a big bowl of it and put it in a ziplock bag - grabbing some to add to lunch each day, or as a side with dinner.  I came up with this salad mix a few years ago and I tore through it like there was no tomorrow.  It became the base for other salads that I adapted from day to day.  Sometimes adding cold brown rice, or carrot, or beetroot slaw, or cucumber, or whatever I had handy.  I even adding dressing some days, other days I didn't.  I'm hoping that I get a similar reaction this year.  I figure because I haven't done it for a few years, I'll be all excited and "why did I ever stop doing this?  This is fantastic!"  Lol. 

In any case, being busy this weekend cooking food, washing dishes (!) and portioning food, I ended up only eating the scrappy bits left over in the cooking dish in order to clean them up before dumping them into the sink.

So, with that in mind, it seems about time for me to portion up the next chunk of cooking.  That Mexican Mince is still really warm and I finished cooking it at 4pm.  !  That's how hot it is here.  O_O 

And I'm going to put on some rice so I can have the stirfy for dinner.  With a side of salad.

Am I making any progress? Part 3

Hmm, I hadn’t initially thought of making this a three part post, but it makes sense to share this here and now, and not later.  It makes a nice little summary to what I’ve already discussed here and here.

 So, this year, I haven’t been blogging very well.  In fact, for the last year I haven’t been blogging very well.  Nor have I been losing weight.  Last year I experienced some success in losing weight – using myfitnesspal – in June last year.  But of course, I slacked off and the weight went back up.  New Year, new chance to start again.  I really want to make getting healthier & losing weight a priority this year.  I know I eat better when I log.  So I’m going to keep logging.  I know I eat better when I exercise.  So I’m going to keep exercising.

I haven’t really noticed any correlation to my daily weighings and my eating habits.  Nor mood.  Like, I’m happy to see it go down, but if it goes up, it’s due to what I ate, or the amount of water I didn’t drink, etc, etc.  I’m thinking I’m lucky and I don’t get scale obsessive.  For me, it’s about the data and trends and numbers.  Couldn’t care less about what the actual numbers are, I just find it fascinating to see them. 

I’m still only considering my weekly weigh-in on a Monday as my “official” weight.  I could I guess use the weight on weightgrapher.com, but I’m happy just using Mondays.  Additionally, because weightloss shouldn’t be all about the scale, I’m also going to take measurements.  I figure for those I’ll only do it once a month, because I’m not really do high intensity exercise like aerobics or weight lifting, so a weekly measurement is not going to be drastic.

So to sum up:

• I’ve been exercising by walking two or three times a week.
• I’ve restarted dance classes
• I’ve been avoiding buying foods I can’t moderate
• I’ve been logging (almost) every day since the start of the year.  There have been days when I couldn’t get on, but I backtracked and filled them in as best I could.
• I’ve been weighing myself daily to see if there is a trend of me losing weight

Has it made a difference?  You be the judge.  (And I know I don’t take photos very well.  Yes, these were selfies in the bathroom mirror – sorry!)

Rainy Rain

Hi there! 
I've been away the last few days for a conference, so good eating and exercise have completely left me for the time being.

So, back in town today and working on getting the eating back together - very busy time at work at the moment, certainly until the end of next week.  So crazy times, and the thing that is sliding at the moment is proper food prep!  Urgh! :(  I'm finding I just don't get enough time in my lunchtime to sit and eat, so I am eating more in the evening.  And because I'm tired and hungry, I am trying to get food into me quickly - so it's not the most nutritionally balanced food.  One more week, and then I'm on holidays - yeah!  Time to clear out space in the freezer and cook foods for the next couple of months! :) 

So, eating hasn't been great.  But, I'm happy to keep up the exercising.  I didn't get a chance to much this past week, unless it's been walking from the building where we stayed, up the hill to the dining hall, down the hill to the 'outdoor teamwork' area, and so on. 

After work today, I was so keen to head out for a walk, clear my head, stretch my legs...  except it's raining.  And not a light drizzle, but a steady downpouring of rain that could turn into flash flooding.  If it were a drizzle or shower of rain, I'd take my brolly and just go.  But this is the sort of rain that no matter how much you wrap up, dress up, you are going to get wet. 

So no.

Instead, I decided I needed to move regardless, so I thought I'd see what YouTube could offer me.  I wasn't really feeling a 'bodyweight' workout or anything yoga like.  So I did a Leslie Sansone 'Walk At Home' video I found. 

WOW!  What a workout!!  I picked the '1 Mile' walk just to see what it was like.  I can't believe walking in place can get you so sweaty and raise your heart rate so much!  Whew!  According to Nike+ Fitness app, I burnt 321 Calories. 

Niiiiiice.

Mid-Year's Resolutions

Oh-No! I found this post lurking in my drafts folder. Please pretend it went up on Monday 1st July like it was supposed to! Then there will be another post following...

Okay, so, once again, I stopped blogging for a little while. Okay, a long while. And during the last five months, when I haven’t been blogging, I haven’t been as motivated to get fit & healthy as I could have been. Work here has been a lot busier than I expected it to be. Life too, I guess. And that has meant that I haven't been taking care of myself as much. But, I think I'm starting to get a better hang of my life here and my routines. Balancing out work commitments, life commitments, friend commitments and family commitments. It's been tough, but something I am starting to be better able to do.

The knowledge that I am unfit and unhappy has been on my mind this whole time. I hate being fat and overweight, not fitting into my clothes, people seeing old photos of me and going 'Is that Kathleen?! But she was so skinny!' *sigh*I hate it.

So, I trying, once again, to do something about it.

I’ve kept up with dancing, but I had to cut it back to only 2 hours a week. Tuesdays & Thursdays. And even then, I haven’t been able to go each time because of work commitments. But I’ve been very glad of it, I missed dancing when I lived back in my old town, so I’m certainly making the most of the opportunity I have here. Unfortunately, that has meant I’ve also taken opportunity of the takeaways and convenience foods not 10m from my doorstep, and haven’t been eating well.

But I realise that, and I guess, as long as I do realise that, there’s always time to start over again, right?

And what better time than the start of the month? Especially when it starts on a Monday? In the middle of the year? That’s why I’m calling this my mid-year resolution!  Cheesy, I know. :-S

Now, what exactly are my mid-year's resolutions? Funnily enough, not too different from my New Year’s resolutions.

· Consistently complete a food journal – including calorie counts.

· Attend dance lessons twice a week

· Walk to work at least once a week

· Lose 20 kgs by the end of the year

· Maintain work-life balance

I’ve already started to make progress on these.

11. Feb. 13

Oh dear, it's happening again.  I'm starting to get really busy and therefore slack off in my efforts to get healthy.

I'm not going to lie.  Last week, I ate terribly.  Tuesday night, Thursday night, Friday night, Saturday night and Sunday lunch were all convenience foods.  Either takeaway from the noodle bar on the corner, or fast food on my way home from dance classes.  And I'm paying for it in more ways than one. 

• Number one, I obviously didn't do myself any favours when it came to trying to lose weight.  I haven't gained anything, but nor I have I lost any weight.
• Secondly, I was far more tired by the end of the week than I had been in the weeks before.  I was so exhausted Friday I kept losing my balance and I could feel a twitch in my eyebrow.   
• Thirdly, my face started to break out in pimples - huge ones that are going to hang around for days
• Lastly, I haven't helped myself learn new habits about healthy food choices. 

I am annoyed with myself for doing that all week, but in a way, I'm glad because it showed me what a difference nutritionally-poor food does to me.  After only a week, I was slower, more sluggish, more prone to whinging.  In the previous weeks, where I was eating better, I felt better.

So, planning needs to happen!  Planning my meals, planning my grocery shop and planning on cooking/preparing/making food.  Last week, I kept running out of time each evening to cook, or I hadn't done the washing up yet, or I was missing a key ingredient (the spinach for spinach pasta, etc).  Little things like that, which led me further and further astray. 

Tuesday and Thursday are definitely out when it comes to cooking food that night.  My dance classes keeps me out of the house from 6 until 9 or 9.30.  Given that I get home from work somewhere between 5.15 and 5.45, I'm cutting it close.  Aqua Aerobics finishes at 7.20pm, so by the time I get home, shower, rinse my togs, it's edging towards 8pm.  Late enough to be eating dinner, let alone cooking on top of that. 

So that really only leaves Wednesday and Sunday to cook dinner.  I have to admit, I find it hard to cook anything on a Friday night, I tend to prefer leftovers, or takeaways.  Something quick and easy.  Saturday will vary.  Most Saturdays I cook, but there have been known to be lazy ones.  So, I am determined to cook food this Wednesday night.  Especially as I need to take something hefty in to eat on Thursday as an afternoon snack, so I eat food before my dance class.  I think that's what made me go for a (large) container of noodle stirfry after dance on Thursday - I hadn't eaten properly that day.

As a result of all this poor planning and poor eating, last week I stopped logging my food.  I know I should probably go back and fill it in, and confront myself with just how much food I was consuming.  On Tuesday (the night that started it off), I logged my fast food.  But I also logged my dance class, so the calories weren't so bad.  I'm quite sure the rest of the week will not be so good.

If I can end on a positive note however, I did exercise three times last week.  Monday Aqua Aerobics, double dance Tuesday, double dance Thursday.  Hopefully they count for something!

2 Feb. 13

Just a quick update to let you know that I am still blogging and looking after myself and working towards getting healthier and fitter.

Work has been really busy.  Still trying to get my feet on the ground.  Lots to learn.  I’m in a much bigger organisation than I was.  However, because I’m new, I don’t have to have as many responsibilities, which means getting to go home sooner – yay!  My client workload is about the same, however, there are more people to bounce ideas off, which is great.

We had awful weather last weekend.  The remains of a cyclone had tracked its way down along the coast and caused a lot of localised flooding, power cuts, trees over roads and so on.  It was a mess.  Also, unbelievable that so much damage could come from an ex-cyclone.  I don’t ever want to be caught in a real one!  Horizontal rain was not an exaggeration. 

It was also impossible for me to get to Aqua Aerobics on Monday night because of the rain and storms.  So disappointed.  But I can’t wait to go again this Monday.  I have even been swimming for nearly two weeks and I’m really missing it.  I found swimming quite relaxing and meditative even though I was pushing myself to swim stronger.  I need to get myself a routine happening so that I can get to the pool before work.  Either that, or remember to pack my swimming gear into the car, because I have a key for the pool at work.  That would only be an after work thing I think though.

Roads cleared enough by Tuesday that I was able to go my dance class on Tuesday.  Only 1 other girl from last week came back.  I don’t know whether it wasn’t what they expected or what, but I was kind of expecting them to not come back.  I could kind of tell from last week, that they weren’t as into as they should have been.  On the other hand, there were four other ladies there.  And they seem like they’re going to come back which is cool.  Also, the teacher convinced me to come along to the intermediate classes.  *Rolls eyes* Two lessons at beginner level and I’m already intermediate.  Go me!

Thursday night was another dance class.  Different style to Tuesday’s.  Tuesday’s dance class is faster and more aerobic while Thursday is slower and more muscular.  In fact Thursday s two classes back to back.  So, two hours of dance – yay! 

I may or may not be trying to make up for the fact that I missed out on dancing for the last five years by now cramming four hours of dance in a week.  J Honestly, I’m very happy about it.  I probably shouldn’t take up any more hobbies or activities at this point though, not if I still need to keep the house clean (and finish unpacking.  I have two rooms still full of boxes! O_O), and meal plan and go grocery shopping and cook dinner on the nights when I’m not dancing…

Weekends are my time to relax.  So I’ve spent all day catching up on webcomics, blogs and watching the Twilight movies. 

Tomorrow, I’m going for an early morning swim and then shopping for some more professional work clothes.  Everyone dresses in a far more corporate style here. 

Yet another reason to keep working on getting fitter, healthier and losing weight J

Two New Things Today!

Whoa!  What a full on day today has been. 

Today, I attended the welcome luncheon for new staff at my workplace.  It was a little daunting to say the least.  Preparations started at 8 am – ironing my outfit, washing my hair, packing my bag so I look professional and dedicated, cleaning off the scabby bits of last week’s nail polish, filling out the forms I was sent last year to be brought today... A lot!  I was so nervous about being late that I was ready early for once (I’m notoriously poorly organised and run late for everything).  Once I started driving, I figured out that it was the first time I had ever driven the route to my workplace I had only ever seen it on the map before.  This may or may not have led to minor panic on my part, thinking I wasn’t going to see my turnoff!  But I made it.  In fact, the journey took only 10min.  I’m sure in peak hour it will be more, but wow!  That was a nice easy drive!

The luncheon was alright.  Lots of new staff, so that’s going to be a relief.  I didn’t get to meet my direct supervisor, she was away, but I did meet my line manager, my department manager, and many of the other managers including the executive manager – Eep!  He knows my old manager – so I hope I do well.  Tomorrow is a whole staff professional development day.  And then Thursday, Friday I, and the other newies will continue to undergo specific training and go over policies and procedures relevant to our positions.  How not fun.

 

My second new thing for the day was the dance class I went to this evening.  Beginnners class, but actually really small.  There were only 5 of us students, when in the intermediate class immediately beforehand there was probably closer to 30.  I haven’t danced for 5 years because there just was nothing available where I lived, so this was extra exciting for me  : )    Turns out, I remembered many of the basic steps and positions and I didn’t manage to pick up any bad habits in my absence.  : )  Also, weird fact, the dance teacher here in Bris, is acquainted with my old dance teacher from where I went to uni.   And the teacher thinks I may actually be better suited to the intermediate class, where it’ll challenge me, rather than go through the painfulness of beginner’s classes again.  Reality of life: Sometimes, people catch onto things faster than you and you feel frustrated that you can’t do it.  Beginners’ classes are often full of these people who struggle and struggle and just can’t get there.  Poor things.  Just need to breathe it out, try it again slowly, and laugh about it.

 

Anyhow, it’s late enough for me and I’ve got a full day of work ahead.  Am I packed?  Yep.  Am I ready? Nope.

 

 

 

P.S.  Did I say I went to AquaA yesterday?  Because I did.  And it was hard work.  And still so much fun. : )

Breaking the wall of silence

Okay.  All’s been quiet from me in the last four months and with it, a definite lapse in my weight loss and health efforts.  This hasn’t been entirely without reason mind you.

As those who’ve read my past posts know, I hated my town.  It was a dead-end, middle of nowhere town and I was really, really, really unhappy living there.

In early October I got notification that there would be an opportunity for me to transfer elsewhere and in a different role to what I had been doing.  Worked my arse off (I wish!) and I got confirmation in November that I was successful. 

That left the rest of November and early December to try to organise a place to live (not so easy when you aren’t currently in the same place you are moving too, don’t have the chance to see any places, or real estate agents don’t contact you back); carpet cleaning, pest sprays, etc for my current residence; removalists; a full clean of my unit for the final inspection (which I did myself); buying furniture and a fridge for my new unit; packing up all my stuff at work; on top of still working fulltime, meeting and dealing with clients and finishing up all the required reports and evaluations!!  Mental! o_O

I moved up to Brisbane, state capital of Queensland.  A CITY.  I cannot emphasise enough how fantastic this is for me.   Before living in my last town, I thought I was a country girl at heart.  The last five years have proven to me I am not.  I need a city.  I need to live somewhere where there is opportunity to do things, to go places, to meet people. 

It happens to be exceptionally fortunate that I was able to get to Brisbane. 

For starters, almost all my friends from university have ended up here.   My mum (as much as she drives me nuts) lives only an hour away.  Brisbane happens to be quite hilly, so when the weather cools down I’ll be able to go walking again. 

And my favourite part?  Being a city, I can take advantage of things I haven’t had access to in years.  Multiple choice of gyms.  Shopping centres.  Hobbies and interests.  Bushwalk trails.  Nightclubs  ; )  In fact, I’ve already signed up for two dance classes.  I used to dance a fair bit at uni, but that wasn’t available at my old town, so I stopped.  The first lessons start in the last week of January. 

It’s been three weeks since I’ve moved and in that time, I’ve had Christmas at mum’s, New Year’s fireworks along the river bank, a few exploratory walks of over 6km each, and gone out clubbing with friends, twice.

I am so happy I moved.  I cannot get over how much fun I am having.  I haven’t even started work yet, we don’t return for business for another week yet.

But I honestly feel this is going to be such a good start and a good place geographically, physically and emotionally for me. 

Glum Gertie

Wow, I can't believe it’s been a week since I last posted.  To be honest, it's also a week since I did any form of exercise… :(

I had quite a few social engagements from Saturday through to Tuesday, which meant my eating was all over the place, and I was at the mercy of my friends' plans in terms of the activities we were doing.  As a result, I did nothing forward moving and productive. 

Wednesday and Thursday were travel days, because I had to get back home to my nowhere-nothing-sized town, before I go back to work again next week.  Tell you what, it makes a big difference to be at the coast for a week or two, where the daily temperature averages 25oC (77oF) with a breeze to cool you down, to go to Summer: Rural Australia Style.  I was wiped out yesterday and slept for 4 hours in the middle of the day because it was so hot!  My town does get four seasons; they're just not equal in length.  We have winter in the middle of the year, for about 3 months.  Spring and Autumn either side of this is a three week change over period.  The rest of the time, it's summer.  And not a lovely mild summer.  No.  Instead we have 7 months of dry heat and every day above 32oC (90oF).  It's not uncommon to have weeks at a time where the daily temperature goes above 40C (104F).

It really surprised me to notice how unhappy I am to be here.  I am over living in the sticks.  I am over living in the back-arse of nowhere.  I am over living in a town where you are either in the clique and included in everything and find out about what goes on, or you're not and may as well not exist.  I am over living in a place that has the one and only gym and it's crap and the classes are only on once a week and it's not open on weekends or late in the evenings.  I am over living in a town that prides itself on all the sports that it has available, but still excludes those that don't fit into its up-its-own-bum image (the clique thing again).  I am over not being able to walk down the street without being stopped and people talking to you (or about you).  I am over not being to go out, even to do grocery shopping, without making sure I am dressed up and hairbrushed and make-up'd (shorts and a T-shirt will not pass).  I am sick of living in a place that is so dead flat.  According to googlemaps,  our town varies in elevation by 7m from highest to lowest point.  When on holidays, I was in a place that had hills, so even walking to the corner shops or the post office, required some effort.  Here, I don't get that.

The heat, this hole and not following careful eating and exercise has all conspired I think to bring me down.  I'm unpacking my holiday clothes, and trying on some things that I want to wear to work next week and it makes me upset to see how tight and uncomfortable they are.  I had big plans to really start to build up a routine of exercise and good eating, because I had the time to do so, and I just somehow haven't done it.

It makes me upset to realise just how overweight I am and how unhealthy I feel.  I know I'm low on energy and even somewhat anti-social because I am ashamed and embarrassed and uncomfortable with my size.  I don't like going out of the house.  It is always such an ordeal to make sure I am wearing something, which, if not flattering, at least hides my gut, just by a little bit.  I am still having to wear some of my winter clothes, even though I have great trouble in the heat, because they fit over my stomach or gut, while my summer tops come up too short.  Or, my summer clothes are made of polyester, which is not helpful at all. 

I know I'm being really down in the dumps. 

I just feel I don't know what I want to do anymore. 

I don't want to give up.  I hate being overweight.  I want to be fit and healthy like I used to be.  I want to be able to go out and not worry what other people think of me.  I want to be able to wear clothes without worrying the whole time if they fit too snugly around my stomach, or give me a camel toe, or will ride up every time I move.  I want to be able enjoy myself without feeling like a complete elephant who is so wide they knock everything over every time they go to a shop or to a restaurant. 

I want to get rid of this weight.  I want to lose these 27 kilograms and get back to a healthy weight range.  I want to be happy with myself again.

…

I don't think I have anything more to add.  I know this is a negative post, and I'm not really looking for sympathy.  I think I just needed to get these feelings out of my head.  Sorry if I've brought you down by reading my negativity.

…

I've been telling myself all morning, "Don't get angry, Get active" and I think that's what I need to do.  I have plenty of things I need to do around my flat, washing, cleaning, etc, that I will get active.  I can't let myself get bogged down in this crap.  I will clean up my house.  I will plan out a good shopping list.  I will eat well today.  I will go for a walk later today.  I will do things that will not keep me this way.

-Kathleen