Friday, 5 October 2012

Glum Gertie

Wow, I can't believe it’s been a week since I last posted.  To be honest, it's also a week since I did any form of exercise… :(

I had quite a few social engagements from Saturday through to Tuesday, which meant my eating was all over the place, and I was at the mercy of my friends' plans in terms of the activities we were doing.  As a result, I did nothing forward moving and productive. 

Wednesday and Thursday were travel days, because I had to get back home to my nowhere-nothing-sized town, before I go back to work again next week.  Tell you what, it makes a big difference to be at the coast for a week or two, where the daily temperature averages 25oC (77oF) with a breeze to cool you down, to go to Summer: Rural Australia Style.  I was wiped out yesterday and slept for 4 hours in the middle of the day because it was so hot!  My town does get four seasons; they're just not equal in length.  We have winter in the middle of the year, for about 3 months.  Spring and Autumn either side of this is a three week change over period.  The rest of the time, it's summer.  And not a lovely mild summer.  No.  Instead we have 7 months of dry heat and every day above 32oC (90oF).  It's not uncommon to have weeks at a time where the daily temperature goes above 40C (104F).

It really surprised me to notice how unhappy I am to be here.  I am over living in the sticks.  I am over living in the back-arse of nowhere.  I am over living in a town where you are either in the clique and included in everything and find out about what goes on, or you're not and may as well not exist.  I am over living in a place that has the one and only gym and it's crap and the classes are only on once a week and it's not open on weekends or late in the evenings.  I am over living in a town that prides itself on all the sports that it has available, but still excludes those that don't fit into its up-its-own-bum image (the clique thing again).  I am over not being able to walk down the street without being stopped and people talking to you (or about you).  I am over not being to go out, even to do grocery shopping, without making sure I am dressed up and hairbrushed and make-up'd (shorts and a T-shirt will not pass).  I am sick of living in a place that is so dead flat.  According to googlemaps,  our town varies in elevation by 7m from highest to lowest point.  When on holidays, I was in a place that had hills, so even walking to the corner shops or the post office, required some effort.  Here, I don't get that.

The heat, this hole and not following careful eating and exercise has all conspired I think to bring me down.  I'm unpacking my holiday clothes, and trying on some things that I want to wear to work next week and it makes me upset to see how tight and uncomfortable they are.  I had big plans to really start to build up a routine of exercise and good eating, because I had the time to do so, and I just somehow haven't done it.

It makes me upset to realise just how overweight I am and how unhealthy I feel.  I know I'm low on energy and even somewhat anti-social because I am ashamed and embarrassed and uncomfortable with my size.  I don't like going out of the house.  It is always such an ordeal to make sure I am wearing something, which, if not flattering, at least hides my gut, just by a little bit.  I am still having to wear some of my winter clothes, even though I have great trouble in the heat, because they fit over my stomach or gut, while my summer tops come up too short.  Or, my summer clothes are made of polyester, which is not helpful at all. 

I know I'm being really down in the dumps. 

I just feel I don't know what I want to do anymore. 

I don't want to give up.  I hate being overweight.  I want to be fit and healthy like I used to be.  I want to be able to go out and not worry what other people think of me.  I want to be able to wear clothes without worrying the whole time if they fit too snugly around my stomach, or give me a camel toe, or will ride up every time I move.  I want to be able enjoy myself without feeling like a complete elephant who is so wide they knock everything over every time they go to a shop or to a restaurant. 

I want to get rid of this weight.  I want to lose these 27 kilograms and get back to a healthy weight range.  I want to be happy with myself again.

I don't think I have anything more to add.  I know this is a negative post, and I'm not really looking for sympathy.  I think I just needed to get these feelings out of my head.  Sorry if I've brought you down by reading my negativity.

I've been telling myself all morning, "Don't get angry, Get active" and I think that's what I need to do.  I have plenty of things I need to do around my flat, washing, cleaning, etc, that I will get active.  I can't let myself get bogged down in this crap.  I will clean up my house.  I will plan out a good shopping list.  I will eat well today.  I will go for a walk later today.  I will do things that will not keep me this way.




  1. Seriously - we must live in very similar dead-arse towns cos I feel exactly the same way! It must have been nice to get away to the coast. I am heading to perth for the weekend in 6 weeks and cant bloody wait!