It's Friday already? Oh dear...

So I started the week with a renewed sense of wanting to get fit, organised and healthy.

I went for a 25 minute walk on Tuesday morning.  I planned to go as soon as I got up, but it was around 9:00am before I left the house.  Nearly 2 hours later!!  Mind you, it's the first time I have undertaken any form of exercise in weeks.  Possibly since January to be honest?   It's not surprising then I felt out of it for the remainder of the day.  I split my time between the sofa and my bed.

I still managed to do a bit of washing up, but I also spent a lot of time just kicking back in the air-con (yes!, April and I still have the air-conditioner running some days - it's just that hot).  That's when I wrote the other blog post.  Felt slow and dopey all the rest of the day.

In fact, I kind of felt achy and my skin was tender - like I was coming down with something.  I was originally planning to walk to the shops (1.6km/1 mi each way) to pick up a few things like chicken drumsticks to make chicken soup.  And tomato juice. But I piked out and ended up driving.  And I'm glad I did.  Because when I crave tomato juice, it means I'm getting sick.  A cold or virus.  Urgh!  Just what I don't want when I'm on holiday.  So I made chicken soup with LOTS of vegetables and garlic.  And drank nearly a two litres of liquids before bed.

It helped.  I woke up Wednesday feeling better.  WAY less achy, but with a minor sore throat.  I decided to go for a walk anyway because I figured that a short bout of exercise could only help to boost my immune system.  25 minutes again.

This time, I felt a bit more motivated and later that morning I walked to my nearest hardware store to buy a hose.  I don't own one anymore, and I decided that I really needed to wash out my wheelie bin and my kitchen bin.  So it's easiest to do that in the backyard with the hose.  Especially as Wednesday is bin day, so it was "freshly" emptied.  So that is one of my (many!) holiday jobs done.

I've since spent the rest of the week doing nothing but lounge on the sofa and either be on my laptop or playing games on my phone.  Physically I'm still going back and forth between being better and worse.

For instance, last night I felt really full of phlegm and mucous, and this morning woke with a pretty horrid sore throat.  Gargled salt water, had a few cups of strong black tea with honey.  And am feeling much perkier. I've not got a runny or blocked nose and for that I am incredibly thankful.  Sinus infections just seem to drag on forever don't they?  But I have been coughing a bit.  A wet cough.  *Gross out warning*  I've been coughing up a lot of mucous, but it has only seemed to reach the top of my throat and then I've swallowed it again.  This morning I was finally able to cough some up and spit it out.  Gross I know, but as soon as I did that, I've started to feel better.  

Hmm.... I think I need to leave the house this afternoon and go for at least a small walk.  25-30 minutes like I have been doing.  Try to motivate me again to keep up some momentum.  And plan out what I am going to do with the rest of my weekend.  So I actually stick to it.

7 April 2015

Still here. Still not losing any weight.  Still upset at myself for not trying.

It's Easter  break now.  10 days.

10 days to complete a to do list that has around 25 dot points.  Some more urgent than others. But a lot that definitely needs to be done.  Some of it house stuff, some of it health stuff.  Some of it looking after parent stuff.  Which I hate.  I swear I'm going to end up spending more time looking after her, than she ever had to look after me growing up.  If we were close maybe it would be different.  But my mother is a nasty bitter unpleasant woman and causes far more stress than is healthy for me.  And it never seems to end.

But back to my physical health.

I'm really really over being fat and overweight.  I just want to fit into clothes again properly.

I'm slowly working on the food issue.  I've worked out a fairly good system of making meals and freezing them.  I'm eating a form of dinner at work at 4 o'clock and then only fruit or crackers later at 7pm.   Now I've just got to get back on track with weighing and logging everything.  After all this time, I still find it a time consuming thing to do. It would probably work better if I took more time on Sunday to plan out and log my entire week in advance, just modifying where needed from where I deviated.  Yet another system to set up.  And stick to.

My whole life has been like this. I am full of ideas and plans and projects. I am a great starter of things but not a great finisher. I either get distracted or my enthusiasm wanes. I have so many incomplete hobbies and projects everywhere.  I wouldn't be surprised if they made up around 15-20% of all the stuff I own.  Which I'm still sorting through.  Which is yet another project to work on.  And I've already come up with yet another new project to do. And I can't let it rest until I have more time,or at least a better time because my enthusiasm will wane and I'll be left with this half finished project  that  wont get completed for another two  years.   *Rolls eyes*  This is the way I live my life. Every single day. Does this happen to anyone else? Is it fixable? Is it a learnt behaviour that can be unlearnt?

It's frustrating that's what it is.

A reflection on Depression

I am inspired to write this after replying to a post by Josh over at 700poundsisasbadasitsounds.blogspot.com  There he points out how he reached a low place and stopped blogging.  

Depression.  And it reminded me of my experience with depression, about 7 years ago. 

*By the way, I am going to offer a trigger warning here for depression, self-harm, suicidal thoughts, and other thought/behaviour patterns of that nature.  Please don't proceed if this is a trigger for you*


Depression sucks.  It affects people in so many different ways.  
I was really critical and hard on myself.  I was forgetful and so confused <i>all the time</i>.  I couldn't keep a thought straight in my head.  I hurt so much inside. I lost my social skills and didn't know how to interact with people. Everywhere I went I never seemed to feel right.  When I was at home I wanted to be out.  When I was out I wanted to be by myself.  I was either crying for 4 hours non-stop, hating myself violently or not feeling anything at all.  

I hurt myself in different ways.  
I bit down hard on my arm one night.  To stop myself from screaming from the hurt I felt inside.  Ended up with a whopper bruise that lasted over 2  1/2 weeks.  I scratched my arm til it bled.  I still have the scar from that.  I started smoking around this time and I used to give myself smileys from the lighter.  On my feet, so no-one would see them, but I would feel them everytime I walked, their presence a reminder of what I was not feeling.  Oddly enough cutting never appealed to me.  Tried it, I couldn't even break the skin.

I ended up on Zoloft as my anti-depressant.  We started on the lowest dosage and then bumped it up one when the low dosage wasn't doing anything for me.  I felt nauseous (nauseated?) for the first two-three weeks which was an expected side affect.  I had the most god-awful twisted dreams, I remember being really unsettled by them when I woke up.  They could also be linked to the depression I suppose.  For a while, it seemed like I was still getting lower, which my doctor warned me about, but we kept on at it.  

I have a really clear memory of an absolute horrid night, where I didn't think I was going to make it through the night, because I couldn't take it anymore.  I honestly didn't think I'd make it.  I was lucky enough that one of my housemates sat with me as I drank and he took away my car keys.  And in the morning when I woke up, I was so happy to be alive, so relieved.  I don't think I will ever <i>ever</i> forget that feeling of sheer relief I felt, when I realised I made it through the night.  It was my turning point, two months or so after starting the meds.  I have such a clear memory of that night.  I can even tell you it was a Thursday night.  That is how much it is cemented into my brain.  Along with the overwhelming relief.  I can still bring up that feeling now, if I'm ever incredibly wound up and anxious about something.  I use it to remind myself how good unstressed and relaxed/relieved feels like. 

I took antidepressants along with counselling/therapy (at my request) and meditation for anxiety.  I actually went to a psychologist first, who referred me back to a GP.  My doctor also prescribed 30 min of exercise daily - some kind of activity that was enough to get the heart rate up.  It took me about 6 months of the combined treatments to be off the meds.  I haven't been on meds since then, although there are times when I possibly could have been.  Or should have been.  There are times when I've felt bad, or low and it's taken a few weeks to swing back.  I often wonder if I would have recovered better those times if I was on medication. 

Now, I just focus on getting enough rest, enough time to chillout and I try to keep exercising.  This is probably my other big push for why I focus on exercise more than my diet.  I try to keep reminding myself that I need to exercise so my brain works better. 

Truly, things can get better.  They don't need to stay bleak.  I put off going to see anyone for a long time, until I broke down crying at work.  Completely no idea what started it, but I was crying for three hours, just couldn't stop it.  Even when I somewhat pulled myself together, I still had tears leaking constantly from my eyes.  Had all these circular thoughts going around and around in my head.  I was crying for me, for my boyfriend, for my friends.  Just crying.  It was my call to action.

As I said, I went to a psychologist first, to see if I could do this without medication.  After a few sessions, we decided to get the GP on board who did a whole range of blood tests.  After ruling out anything hormonal or nutrient or vitamin deficient, we chose to medicate.  I don't regret that decision at all, because for me, it was a necessary step to pull myself up before I didn't need them any more.  I continued to see the counsellor twice a week until the worst of it eased off, then once a week, once a fortnight.

I still have the meditation CD now and it's always one of the first mp3 files I upload to a new computer/device.  I just realised I can put it on my new smart phone.  Will get on that.  I will set aside the time to mediate when I feel myself getting too stressed, although I could probably do with meditating more often.

Overall, I would say it took me 6 months to get back to how I was before.  And I'm still not exactly the same.  I'm a lot more anxious now.  A lot more reserved.  I went from being carefree and pretty out there and extroverted to being an introvert and a homebody.  I still find it really hard to be in public and in crowds.  But I am no where near what I was like when I was depressed, and I feel I can live with this change of personality, if it means I'm not depressed.  Besides, I'm okay with who I am now and I reckon it ties in with growing up and growing older too. 

But this is what worked for me.  I can't say what will work for you.  BUT if you are feel low and depressed  you need to seek out professional help for this.  Your friends and family can support you, but a doctor/medical team will be the ones who can best help you, whether that's by counselling, hormone or vitamin therapy, or by prescribing anti-depressants.

Take care everyone,

The Purge - Part 1

Like most women, I love clothes.  Like most women, I have a lot of them.  And like many women who have gained weight, I have held onto clothes that are my “skinny me”. 

Some of these clothes I’ve been holding onto for years.  From my uni days in fact.  And I never got rid of a lot of them, because gaining weight was meant to be “only a temporary” thing.  I would be back to my normal size in no time, right?

My current size is an Australian 22.  I think that comes through in conversions as 20 (UK)/18 (US).  At my fittest/lightest I was a size 10 (Aus)/8 (UK)/6 (US).  My average that I would gravitate around was a 12-14.  [10-12 (UK)/8-10 (US)].  Such a shame that back then I thought I was this huge heffalump and would bemoan my size and how nothing sat right.   If only I knew then just how good I had it. L

*Sigh*

One of the things that spurs me on to keep trying to tone up, to lose weight is because I struggle to find clothes to fit me.

A) not many department stores stock plus sizes
B) the specialist plus size stores are expensive
C) due to my height, and proportions my weight distribution is wonky
D) despite gaining 40kgs of weight I’m not big chested and tops that are big enough to go around my belly are WAY too low cut for my liking.  (As far as I am concerned, the neckline of tops should sit no more than three finger-widths below the collar bone).  Or else they become baggy shapeless sacks across my shoulders and upper torso. L
E) are often designed for a more mature woman, not someone in her late twenties.
F) or are deisgned for a woman who’s (I’m sorry to say) “given up on life”.  Things like rubbishy T-Shirts style tops that will pill and look shabby after two-three washes, or pants made from rather thin fabrics, like linen, which will rub away between the thighs.   Clothes that do not look like they belong in a professional environment, especially if you do not work in air-conditioning.

Polyester and its blends are all well and good, but if you are in a job where you are on your feet and move from location to location, in the summer time, it feels like you may as well be wearing a plastic garbage bag, with sandpaper between the thighs.

I feel like the clothes I like in terms of style are made of polyester or viscose or one of those other synthetics, whilst all the cotton, breathable clothes are t-shirts and the like – which I would not be allowed to wear at work. 

*Sigh*

Anyhow.   Today I decided to start tackling the mess that’s been building up in my house.  In fact, I only wrote this as a ‘break’ but it’s turned into a huge post (3 pages and counting!) and it’s two hours later.

I’ll be back with more later this evening, possibly tomorrow.

An apology of sorts, and trying to get back on track.

First off I want to apologise and thank people for yesterday.

I want to offer an apology for those of you who felt upset or hurt by my comments in yesterday's post.  I know some of you will have parents who are ill.  Or who have parents who have already passed.  And there I am whinging like an immature brat about having to spend time with my mum.  That's not fair for you to bear the brunt of my anger, when you will obviously have different feelings on the subject.  I 'm sorry.  I know that whatever I say, will in no way make it better for you, but I am sorry. 

For those that left comments on yesterday's post, thank-you.  I didn't actually post it expecting sympathy.  I was more prepared for the "Get over yourself" type comments, which quite frankly, I deserve.  I openly acknowledge I am not a nice person.  But thanks to everyone who read; and read and took the time to comment.  You didn't have to, but you did.  And I appreciate it.

To close up, I do think yesterday was beneficial in a way.  Almost as soon as I wrote the post, I was beginning to calm down, and feel less anxious and stressed and angry.  I ate my dinner, made a cup of tea, and then watched Disney movies on the couch until I fell asleep.  It seems to have helped, because I woke up today feel somewhat more positive and pro-active.  And I got stuff done today, stuff that I wanted/needed to do, like the car insurance, laptop dropped off for repair, and am closer to making a decision about a phone, multifunction cooker & upright freezer. Five big, time consuming things and I managed to start to get it done.  Early tomorrow I'm going to call up and organise the car servicing and buy the multi function cooker and upright freezer.  The place is just down the road from me, so hopefully delivery will be able to be organised quickly.

In light of all that was going on in my head yesterday and today, I decided to check out my horoscope this morning. 

I love the vagueness of horoscopes don't you?  I read this one as relevant, given my rant yesterday.

Monday, Sep 29, 2014 -- Although you are eager to change the dynamics between you and others today, it's challenging to regain normalcy once the energy begins to shift. There could be a lot at stake in a relationship now, but don't try to force your will on anyone else. The more you attempt to control the outcome, the more distant you grow from your goals. Express your passions and remain open to the many possibilities ahead

So, I just need to breathe out and let it go.  Accept there are things out of my control.  Get over myself and let myself take care of my mum.  And not let it take me from my goals.

I'm off to mum's tomorrow, for the next two days, then I get Friday and the weekend before I'm back at work.

I can use the weekend to finalise my time budget plan thing.  I'm having trouble manipulating excel to come up the layout I want.  Every time I think I have set the cells to the size I want, when I do a test print, they end up smaller.  I have a particular size in mind, so I can write necessary details in them.  Oh!  And they keep running over to 2nd/3rd page, even though, by my calculations, (working in metric measurement units) they should fit onto the page size I want, even with a margin allowance for printing.  Grrr.  But I'll get there.  I need to by Monday anyway, because that's when my work week starts.

Aaaaand... given I still have about an hour before I need to be in bed, I'm going to use my remaining time to go work on that.

Once again, I'm sorry to everyone for yesterday's post and I thank-you for your comments.  

I want to scream until my throat is raw

Pardon for tones of heavy metal in the post title.  \m/

*WARNING:  this post gets pretty negative and moody*

This was going to be brief, but it turned out to be long.  And cranky angry : (  But I need to say this to someone out loud as it were.  And honestly, it's related to how I'm going at the moment.

So, no further progress with anything much lately.  Still haven't finalised any plans for another 5K.  Looked up a fair few, but am not committing to anything unless I know A) I can go and B) I can complete the couch to 5k training program.  Still haven't made it to the pool.  Haven't managed to get up early enough to Zumba for the last few weeks.  Only yesterday did I finally make it to the shops to buy decent food to make decent dinner.

Biggest thing that has thrown a spanner in the works?  My mum.  She's just had hand surgery and is still recovering.  And because we have no other family, I'm the one that has to look after her.  Which really kind of sucks.  Doing things like washing the dishes, washing clothes, ironing, vacuuming, mopping, scrubbing the shower, opening jars, and so on.  All those things that, you know, you need your hands for?

What sucks even worse is that I. am. a. terrible. person.  I am selfish and immature and childish.  You know why? Because I feel sulky and resentful that I have to do these things.  I am annoyed and upset and angry that I have to give up my holidays in order to look after her. 

My holidays are the one time I get to do things that I put off doing during work times because I never seem to have the time to do all my work reports, and client prep, and self-study plus do the things that everyone else seems to have a grip on.  Like organising car insurance, or upgrading my mobile phone (finally am ready to move to a smartphone.  Oh!  And change from pre-paid to postpaid contract), or organise for my laptop to be repaired.  I need to call the taxation office.  Shop for "big ticket" items (multi-function rice/slow cooker versus normal slow cooker?  Upright freezer?  The phone handset again needs research).  My car is well overdue for a service, I'm starting to notice the smell of oil when I drive (I've done 1000km over the 'service due on' date).

All this stuff I am trying to do in 6 days instead of the 15 days I had planned on.  It's all broken up too, so I'm driving back and forth a lot.  : (  I also wanted this time to be a kickstart once more for getting my food journalling and logging back on track.  2 weeks where I didn't have to answer to anyone but me?  Perfect time to get into a rhythm and routine, so that when I went back into work, it would be more likely that it will stick as good habit.  I'm trying to create a timetable/time budget so I know when I am working, sleeping, studying, working on personal projects (like exercising regularly), and doing day-to-day normal stuff like vacuuming or washing. 

It shouldn't be this hard to do all this.  But it is.  And the stupid thing about all this anger is really, of all the times that mum's surgery could have been scheduled, the holidays are the best time.  Because I do have time to go and help her.  Instead I would be trying to fit driving to her place every evening (she lives 85km/52 mi away) in peak hour traffic, so a 1 hour journey becomes a 1hr45min journey (if we're lucky).  Do all that she needs me to do, and then of course, driving back at 10pm.  And somehow get myself organised for work the nest day.  Or otherwise get the sulky treatment and be made to feel guilty because I just can't manage the time to go during the week, so I have to leave it to the weekends.  And yeah, yeah, no-one can "make you feel anything you don't want to".  Well *pthuuurpp* }: P I'm betting that person wasn't an only child, with an Eastern European Catholic parent.  They're well practiced at making you feel guilty for something you cannot help.  *wry smile*

And even though I could should be exercising all these bad thoughts away, I am eating instead.  I just ate an entire row of Arnott's Mint Slice (feeling somewhat sick from the sugar overload and guilt probably) and am about to sit down to an early dinner of roast chicken and roast vegetables.  I'm even eating the skin. 

I know I am way way over my calories today and there's some part of me that doesn't care.  The part of me that does care is making me log it all into my food journal and letting the world know.

*Le sigh*

-GloomyDuckling

Am I making any progress? Part 1

Hi there!

I pointed out, mmm... two three weeks ago that I was working on updating my weightloss table in the other tab? And yet I never got round to it.

But I want to assure you all that I have been working hard at losing weight.  It's been a long slow process, but I think I might be finally getting somewhere.

I made the decision at the start of the year that I was going to try (once again) to lose weight.  I reset my goals in MFP and used the opportunity of being on summer break to re-evaluate my lifestyle and get myself in order. 

I decided to do a few things differently.  One I've already talked about is going for a walk much more frequently.  I worked out that I should have at any time, at least 30 min to go for a walk, everyday.  I haven't been perfect, but there hasn't been a week that's gone by where I haven't been for a walk.  There have been days where I'm tired, and I don't wanna, but! I've laced up my shoes, and I've gone.  Go me.

I've even now worked out 4 definite routes of 3km (1.8mi).  Because they loop, I can instantly double it by switching directions - huzzah!  The reason I've chosen 3km is because my average walking pace is 10:25min/km, or just under 6km/hr -> googling a conversion calculator tells me this is... 16.76 min/mi and 3.58mph.  So therefore, I can 'spare' the half hour necessary to get a decent walk in, no matter how I'm feeling, or what the time of day is.

So that's One.

Two - I have stopped buying foods that I know I binge on.  Ice cream for example is a food that I can't keep in the house.  No matter how I buy it - 1L tubs, 250mL tubs, individual cornettos or magnums, I can't seem to pace it out.  I buy ice cream with the intention of eeking it out over weeks, and I end up consuming all I bought in 3 days.  That's not cool.  The same goes for some other foods too, like chicken kebab skewers.  I bake 8 at a time, with the intention of taking all the cubed meat and freezing it for lunches or salads... Nope.  They barely made it to the next morning.  

So... I can't have those foods right now.  But what I can have, I'm happy with.  Cake & donuts freeze really well.  I was surprised!  But they do.  I bought a little 'party cake' - along the size of a Madeira cake - that was to for 6 portions.  So I cut it up into 6 portions and wrapped it in alfoil and stuck it in the freezer.  If I want something sweet, I know it's there.
So that's an ongoing thing I'm learning and dealing with.

Three - I decided that if I don't lose weight and that this is it?  Oh well.  Too bad.  If I stay at this size forever, well, that's not something I'm overly happy about, but right now, it might have to do.  But there's certainly nothing stopping me from being healthy at this size.  I'm not really a proponent of HAES, but I do feel that I can make myself healthier - heart-wise and diet-wise.  So, that's what I'm concentrating on right now.  If I lose weight along the way, so much the better.

So that's progress, doncha think?  I hope it's progress.  It feels like progress in any case.

Fat and Back

I am in the process of watching a documentary on T.V., as I write this so this post will be a little bit disjointed.

The doco I’m watching is called“Fat and Back”. It is both fascinating and terrifying. It’s an Australian documentary focusing on PJ, a personal trainer, who decided that for the space of one year, he was going to gain 50% of body weight and lose it again.

A personal trainer, PJ, made the comment that one of his overweight (obese) clients had cancelled for the third time in a row and it made him annoyed that the client was “giving up”. PJ rang him and said, “just follow what I say for 3 months and after that you’ll see how easy it is.” The client replied with “live like I do for 6 months and then you’ll see how hard it is.”

That was the starting point.

From the first of January PJ made the journey to go from 80 kilos to 120 kilos. He did this by stopping exercise and by eating junk foods. It was surprising to see how quickly he turned to food. He was noticing that because he wasn’t getting the energy burst that he used to from exercise, he was relying on food. When he did his grocery shop, he made the commentary “oh, see, they put this food and the end of the aisles to get you sucked in … and it works” (he grabbed one for his trolley). He also saw chocolate bars on special “oh I don’t really need them … oh, maybe just one”. It was that easy. He just kept picking up the food and putting it in the trolley

It was especially strange/scary to see how easily he forgot how much food he was eating. He went through a Hungry Jacks drive-thru and as he was there, ordering his food, he kept adding“just one more,” and “oh, I more thing”. When he got home and was talking to the camera, he tipped his chips (fries) out onto the table to eat them, when one of his mates (filming) pointed out they weren’t his chips. It took a while for PJ to believe him, because he had completely forgotten that he had eaten his in the car. That was scary to watch him realise that he had no recollection of having already eaten.

The doctors/nutritionists/psychologists that were part of the doco also mentioned things like this. That when obese people recount what they've eaten, they appear to have eaten less than fit/healthy people. But when it came down to it, obese people didn't even realise sometimes when they were eating.

By April he’d gained 28 kilos. And he was struggling. He was depressed and unhappy with himself. He pointed out that his arms were coming up in bumps – the toxins from the food he said. Like tiny pimples. I get them too and never realised that there was a connection to what I was eating. PJ also brought up how one night he went to bed, and without anything seeming to trigger it, he felt his entire left side go numb. He freaked out, thought that maybe he was having a stroke. He was even contemplating calling his doctors to find out what was wrong. When he did get up, he noticed it was better, he was okay, but, the thing he went to was more food, jelly snakes. He even wondered if they might have been the cause of the incident because he’d had some earlier in the evening, but then changed his mind after he ate some more.

He got to the point where he had reached his target goal of 120kg. But he couldn’t handle it. The pressure he felt at what he was doing, and how awful he felt was so much that he became reclusive and wasn’t leaving the house or answering the phone. He ended up going overseas for a couple of weeks, just to get away. And he pointed out on the camera diary, that that was it. He’d had enough.

I’m going to try to not write a whole review of the doco (it’s finished now – I’m a terribly slow typer!) but the reason I wanted to write about it was because it shocked me just how similar what he was going through as he was gaining the weight is how similar I feel now, at this weight.

His next 6 months involved him getting fit again and taking on an overweight client to motivate and lose weight at the same time. That started off okay, but by the end, she wasn’t someone he could help. She stopped coming & didn’t have the commitment. She also felt that he wasn’t the right person to motivate her because she felt that even though he had gained all this weight, he still didn’t get what it was like to be a fat person. To be someone who has always been fat and has felt the mental struggle with overcoming that.

She also felt that he was more interested in the doco than helping her, which I felt was unfair, and maybe only slightly true, given that we didn’t see how he was with other clients.

In the end, PJ did get back down to the weight he was at the start of the year. But it was a struggle for him. On the very first day he was to change (1^st July), he “eased back” into exercising. After just two minutes on a treadmill, he was puffed. He struggled to sit up after being on a weight bench. PJ mentioned he actually felt like some junk food. Right there, he wanted to stop training, just to go get some junk food. Later that day he was caught trying to sneak some pizza. This was after having two meat pies for lunch. That just goes to show how easy it is to get into a food addiction and just how hard it is to switch off. This is a guy who is a personal trainer, who has won some titles and photo shoots for being “Mr Fitness Muscles” (or whatever those titles are). His life revolves are fitness and eating well. In 6 months, he has picked up so many bad habits, he couldn’t just bounce back into it like he thought. And that scared him.

What was also scary was his weigh-ins. He wasn’t finding out the results. I think part of the deal was he had to ‘wait and see’ in December what he would be. PJ just guessed based on how his body felt and how he could see how his body looked. His guesses of where he was at, were nearly all 3-5 kilos lowerthan what he weighed in at. He honestly thought losing the weight would come quickly and easily once he got back into routine. It took him nearly 12 weeks to lose 10 kilos. Granted, towards the end as he got fitter, he was losing more because of course he had more energy to keep exercising. A self-fulfilling cycle. But the very beginning was a terrible shock for him.

I found this doco confronting. It shocked, saddened, upset and terrified me as he was going through the putting on weight phase. The physical and mental issues that he was dealing with were way too familiar and hit too close to home. It was awful to realise what I am doing to myself. It was upsetting to see played out on the screen in front of me, just what I had done to myself over the past 5 years. How easy it is to fall into those mind traps of “this food can’t have that much calories, surely” and so on.

This just serves to reinforce how much further I have to go and how much more work I need to do mentally.

Four weeks ago I started tracking diligently what I was eating. Two weeks ago I stopped being so diligent and started being careless and sloppy. Tomorrow is my weigh-in day.

Let the results speak for themselves.

 

2 Feb. 13

Just a quick update to let you know that I am still blogging and looking after myself and working towards getting healthier and fitter.

Work has been really busy.  Still trying to get my feet on the ground.  Lots to learn.  I’m in a much bigger organisation than I was.  However, because I’m new, I don’t have to have as many responsibilities, which means getting to go home sooner – yay!  My client workload is about the same, however, there are more people to bounce ideas off, which is great.

We had awful weather last weekend.  The remains of a cyclone had tracked its way down along the coast and caused a lot of localised flooding, power cuts, trees over roads and so on.  It was a mess.  Also, unbelievable that so much damage could come from an ex-cyclone.  I don’t ever want to be caught in a real one!  Horizontal rain was not an exaggeration. 

It was also impossible for me to get to Aqua Aerobics on Monday night because of the rain and storms.  So disappointed.  But I can’t wait to go again this Monday.  I have even been swimming for nearly two weeks and I’m really missing it.  I found swimming quite relaxing and meditative even though I was pushing myself to swim stronger.  I need to get myself a routine happening so that I can get to the pool before work.  Either that, or remember to pack my swimming gear into the car, because I have a key for the pool at work.  That would only be an after work thing I think though.

Roads cleared enough by Tuesday that I was able to go my dance class on Tuesday.  Only 1 other girl from last week came back.  I don’t know whether it wasn’t what they expected or what, but I was kind of expecting them to not come back.  I could kind of tell from last week, that they weren’t as into as they should have been.  On the other hand, there were four other ladies there.  And they seem like they’re going to come back which is cool.  Also, the teacher convinced me to come along to the intermediate classes.  *Rolls eyes* Two lessons at beginner level and I’m already intermediate.  Go me!

Thursday night was another dance class.  Different style to Tuesday’s.  Tuesday’s dance class is faster and more aerobic while Thursday is slower and more muscular.  In fact Thursday s two classes back to back.  So, two hours of dance – yay! 

I may or may not be trying to make up for the fact that I missed out on dancing for the last five years by now cramming four hours of dance in a week.  J Honestly, I’m very happy about it.  I probably shouldn’t take up any more hobbies or activities at this point though, not if I still need to keep the house clean (and finish unpacking.  I have two rooms still full of boxes! O_O), and meal plan and go grocery shopping and cook dinner on the nights when I’m not dancing…

Weekends are my time to relax.  So I’ve spent all day catching up on webcomics, blogs and watching the Twilight movies. 

Tomorrow, I’m going for an early morning swim and then shopping for some more professional work clothes.  Everyone dresses in a far more corporate style here. 

Yet another reason to keep working on getting fitter, healthier and losing weight J

Glum Gertie

Wow, I can't believe it’s been a week since I last posted.  To be honest, it's also a week since I did any form of exercise… :(

I had quite a few social engagements from Saturday through to Tuesday, which meant my eating was all over the place, and I was at the mercy of my friends' plans in terms of the activities we were doing.  As a result, I did nothing forward moving and productive. 

Wednesday and Thursday were travel days, because I had to get back home to my nowhere-nothing-sized town, before I go back to work again next week.  Tell you what, it makes a big difference to be at the coast for a week or two, where the daily temperature averages 25oC (77oF) with a breeze to cool you down, to go to Summer: Rural Australia Style.  I was wiped out yesterday and slept for 4 hours in the middle of the day because it was so hot!  My town does get four seasons; they're just not equal in length.  We have winter in the middle of the year, for about 3 months.  Spring and Autumn either side of this is a three week change over period.  The rest of the time, it's summer.  And not a lovely mild summer.  No.  Instead we have 7 months of dry heat and every day above 32oC (90oF).  It's not uncommon to have weeks at a time where the daily temperature goes above 40C (104F).

It really surprised me to notice how unhappy I am to be here.  I am over living in the sticks.  I am over living in the back-arse of nowhere.  I am over living in a town where you are either in the clique and included in everything and find out about what goes on, or you're not and may as well not exist.  I am over living in a place that has the one and only gym and it's crap and the classes are only on once a week and it's not open on weekends or late in the evenings.  I am over living in a town that prides itself on all the sports that it has available, but still excludes those that don't fit into its up-its-own-bum image (the clique thing again).  I am over not being able to walk down the street without being stopped and people talking to you (or about you).  I am over not being to go out, even to do grocery shopping, without making sure I am dressed up and hairbrushed and make-up'd (shorts and a T-shirt will not pass).  I am sick of living in a place that is so dead flat.  According to googlemaps,  our town varies in elevation by 7m from highest to lowest point.  When on holidays, I was in a place that had hills, so even walking to the corner shops or the post office, required some effort.  Here, I don't get that.

The heat, this hole and not following careful eating and exercise has all conspired I think to bring me down.  I'm unpacking my holiday clothes, and trying on some things that I want to wear to work next week and it makes me upset to see how tight and uncomfortable they are.  I had big plans to really start to build up a routine of exercise and good eating, because I had the time to do so, and I just somehow haven't done it.

It makes me upset to realise just how overweight I am and how unhealthy I feel.  I know I'm low on energy and even somewhat anti-social because I am ashamed and embarrassed and uncomfortable with my size.  I don't like going out of the house.  It is always such an ordeal to make sure I am wearing something, which, if not flattering, at least hides my gut, just by a little bit.  I am still having to wear some of my winter clothes, even though I have great trouble in the heat, because they fit over my stomach or gut, while my summer tops come up too short.  Or, my summer clothes are made of polyester, which is not helpful at all. 

I know I'm being really down in the dumps. 

I just feel I don't know what I want to do anymore. 

I don't want to give up.  I hate being overweight.  I want to be fit and healthy like I used to be.  I want to be able to go out and not worry what other people think of me.  I want to be able to wear clothes without worrying the whole time if they fit too snugly around my stomach, or give me a camel toe, or will ride up every time I move.  I want to be able enjoy myself without feeling like a complete elephant who is so wide they knock everything over every time they go to a shop or to a restaurant. 

I want to get rid of this weight.  I want to lose these 27 kilograms and get back to a healthy weight range.  I want to be happy with myself again.

…

I don't think I have anything more to add.  I know this is a negative post, and I'm not really looking for sympathy.  I think I just needed to get these feelings out of my head.  Sorry if I've brought you down by reading my negativity.

…

I've been telling myself all morning, "Don't get angry, Get active" and I think that's what I need to do.  I have plenty of things I need to do around my flat, washing, cleaning, etc, that I will get active.  I can't let myself get bogged down in this crap.  I will clean up my house.  I will plan out a good shopping list.  I will eat well today.  I will go for a walk later today.  I will do things that will not keep me this way.

-Kathleen