Tuesday, 30 September 2014

An apology of sorts, and trying to get back on track.

First off I want to apologise and thank people for yesterday.

I want to offer an apology for those of you who felt upset or hurt by my comments in yesterday's post.  I know some of you will have parents who are ill.  Or who have parents who have already passed.  And there I am whinging like an immature brat about having to spend time with my mum.  That's not fair for you to bear the brunt of my anger, when you will obviously have different feelings on the subject.  I 'm sorry.  I know that whatever I say, will in no way make it better for you, but I am sorry. 

For those that left comments on yesterday's post, thank-you.  I didn't actually post it expecting sympathy.  I was more prepared for the "Get over yourself" type comments, which quite frankly, I deserve.  I openly acknowledge I am not a nice person.  But thanks to everyone who read; and read and took the time to comment.  You didn't have to, but you did.  And I appreciate it.

To close up, I do think yesterday was beneficial in a way.  Almost as soon as I wrote the post, I was beginning to calm down, and feel less anxious and stressed and angry.  I ate my dinner, made a cup of tea, and then watched Disney movies on the couch until I fell asleep.  It seems to have helped, because I woke up today feel somewhat more positive and pro-active.  And I got stuff done today, stuff that I wanted/needed to do, like the car insurance, laptop dropped off for repair, and am closer to making a decision about a phone, multifunction cooker & upright freezer. Five big, time consuming things and I managed to start to get it done.  Early tomorrow I'm going to call up and organise the car servicing and buy the multi function cooker and upright freezer.  The place is just down the road from me, so hopefully delivery will be able to be organised quickly.

In light of all that was going on in my head yesterday and today, I decided to check out my horoscope this morning. 

I love the vagueness of horoscopes don't you?  I read this one as relevant, given my rant yesterday.

Monday, Sep 29, 2014 -- Although you are eager to change the dynamics between you and others today, it's challenging to regain normalcy once the energy begins to shift. There could be a lot at stake in a relationship now, but don't try to force your will on anyone else. The more you attempt to control the outcome, the more distant you grow from your goals. Express your passions and remain open to the many possibilities ahead

So, I just need to breathe out and let it go.  Accept there are things out of my control.  Get over myself and let myself take care of my mum.  And not let it take me from my goals.

I'm off to mum's tomorrow, for the next two days, then I get Friday and the weekend before I'm back at work.

I can use the weekend to finalise my time budget plan thing.  I'm having trouble manipulating excel to come up the layout I want.  Every time I think I have set the cells to the size I want, when I do a test print, they end up smaller.  I have a particular size in mind, so I can write necessary details in them.  Oh!  And they keep running over to 2nd/3rd page, even though, by my calculations, (working in metric measurement units) they should fit onto the page size I want, even with a margin allowance for printing.  Grrr.  But I'll get there.  I need to by Monday anyway, because that's when my work week starts.

Aaaaand... given I still have about an hour before I need to be in bed, I'm going to use my remaining time to go work on that.

Once again, I'm sorry to everyone for yesterday's post and I thank-you for your comments.  

Monday, 29 September 2014

I want to scream until my throat is raw

Pardon for tones of heavy metal in the post title.  \m/

*WARNING:  this post gets pretty negative and moody*

This was going to be brief, but it turned out to be long.  And cranky angry : (  But I need to say this to someone out loud as it were.  And honestly, it's related to how I'm going at the moment.

So, no further progress with anything much lately.  Still haven't finalised any plans for another 5K.  Looked up a fair few, but am not committing to anything unless I know A) I can go and B) I can complete the couch to 5k training program.  Still haven't made it to the pool.  Haven't managed to get up early enough to Zumba for the last few weeks.  Only yesterday did I finally make it to the shops to buy decent food to make decent dinner.

Biggest thing that has thrown a spanner in the works?  My mum.  She's just had hand surgery and is still recovering.  And because we have no other family, I'm the one that has to look after her.  Which really kind of sucks.  Doing things like washing the dishes, washing clothes, ironing, vacuuming, mopping, scrubbing the shower, opening jars, and so on.  All those things that, you know, you need your hands for?

What sucks even worse is that I. am. a. terrible. person.  I am selfish and immature and childish.  You know why? Because I feel sulky and resentful that I have to do these things.  I am annoyed and upset and angry that I have to give up my holidays in order to look after her. 

My holidays are the one time I get to do things that I put off doing during work times because I never seem to have the time to do all my work reports, and client prep, and self-study plus do the things that everyone else seems to have a grip on.  Like organising car insurance, or upgrading my mobile phone (finally am ready to move to a smartphone.  Oh!  And change from pre-paid to postpaid contract), or organise for my laptop to be repaired.  I need to call the taxation office.  Shop for "big ticket" items (multi-function rice/slow cooker versus normal slow cooker?  Upright freezer?  The phone handset again needs research).  My car is well overdue for a service, I'm starting to notice the smell of oil when I drive (I've done 1000km over the 'service due on' date).

All this stuff I am trying to do in 6 days instead of the 15 days I had planned on.  It's all broken up too, so I'm driving back and forth a lot.  : (  I also wanted this time to be a kickstart once more for getting my food journalling and logging back on track.  2 weeks where I didn't have to answer to anyone but me?  Perfect time to get into a rhythm and routine, so that when I went back into work, it would be more likely that it will stick as good habit.  I'm trying to create a timetable/time budget so I know when I am working, sleeping, studying, working on personal projects (like exercising regularly), and doing day-to-day normal stuff like vacuuming or washing. 

It shouldn't be this hard to do all this.  But it is.  And the stupid thing about all this anger is really, of all the times that mum's surgery could have been scheduled, the holidays are the best time.  Because I do have time to go and help her.  Instead I would be trying to fit driving to her place every evening (she lives 85km/52 mi away) in peak hour traffic, so a 1 hour journey becomes a 1hr45min journey (if we're lucky).  Do all that she needs me to do, and then of course, driving back at 10pm.  And somehow get myself organised for work the nest day.  Or otherwise get the sulky treatment and be made to feel guilty because I just can't manage the time to go during the week, so I have to leave it to the weekends.  And yeah, yeah, no-one can "make you feel anything you don't want to".  Well *pthuuurpp* }: P I'm betting that person wasn't an only child, with an Eastern European Catholic parent.  They're well practiced at making you feel guilty for something you cannot help.  *wry smile*

And even though I could should be exercising all these bad thoughts away, I am eating instead.  I just ate an entire row of Arnott's Mint Slice (feeling somewhat sick from the sugar overload and guilt probably) and am about to sit down to an early dinner of roast chicken and roast vegetables.  I'm even eating the skin

I know I am way way over my calories today and there's some part of me that doesn't care.  The part of me that does care is making me log it all into my food journal and letting the world know.

*Le sigh*


Tuesday, 9 September 2014

So, what now?

So, what's next?

I ran my 5k on the weekend, what do I do now?

Well, at this stage, I have no other events I am entered into.  I've been thinking about the 5km NEON Run in October, which is a night event, kind of a 5km-disco-nightclub type event.  It sounds like it's going to be a lot of fun.  I had been thinking about it last year, but hemmed and hawed and missed it.  It's for one of my favourite charities, Beyond Blue.  Australia's national initiative to raise awareness of anxiety and depression.  I think the work they do is fantastic and so, so, so important.

After the B2B, I'd been spending most of the afternoon, whilst recovering, looking up other 5km events that are occurring this year.  There are still a few more coming up, so I am starting to put together a list of dates and costs.  More to come on that L8R (later).

I'm also counting down the days to when the swimming pool at work re-opens.  I have access to a 25m pool outside of work hours.   Cannot wait until the covers come off and the pool is cleaned and treated and ready for use again.  Even though I didn't swim as much this past summer (2013/14) as much as the summer before (2012/13), for the past two months or so I've been really missing swimming.  A lot.  So much so that while I am waiting for the work pool to be ready, I might (if I have time, the next two weeks are really busy!) duck into the council pool to have a swim.

I think at this stage I have two goals I want to accomplish.
  1. To complete Couch to 5k and run 5km by the end of the year
  2. To swim 1km non-stop by the end of the year.
Now, I haven't run them through SMART yet to see if they are reasonable/achievable goals, but they are what I want.  

  • I'm already making progress on being able to run 5km.  

  • When I was swimming in 2012/13, I was swimming around about 700m each session, three times a week.  

Given that I have been working on exercises that are more aerobic in nature (running & Zumba), I'm keen to see the effect that it will have on my swimming ability.  I've been (hopefully) building the muscles in my legs by running, so my kicks should be stronger.  And Zumba & running should be improving my cardio & lung function so I won't get as out of breath as quickly.

I'll be back with another post soon, ~2weeks and let you know my plans for getting there.

Oh!  And probably up date my weight & measurements!  : )

Sunday, 7 September 2014

Quick check-in!

Hi there!
Quick check-in from me.

This morning I ran in the Bridge to Brisbane fun-run.  It has a 10km and 5km course, and I ran the 5km.  I say ran, but really, it was more of a jog.  In intervals.

When I entered (back in June) I was planning on completing the Couch to 5k program.  Well, I started, but then got waylaid.  I hadn't actually made it past Week 3.  Such a shame.  However, I took what I learnt from that and tried to run in interval fashion.  I decided, when I entered, to take my chances on entering into the 'Joggers' category as opposed to the 'Walkers' category.  The Joggers were meant to finish <45min.  (Runners <30min).  I actually got rather worried about that because I hadn't finished my C25K training, I was worried that I would take longer than 45minutes and I'd be disqualified.

Turns out, after emailing the organisers, it's not a <45min but more ~45min.  <Rolls eyes>.  Urgh... being a maths person, those terms are pretty darn concrete.  LESS THAN is not the same as AROUND/ABOUT/APPROX.  Grrrr.....

My biggest worry was that I wouldn't finish in the time I was meant to for my category.  I actually felt really anxious and keyed up about it before the race.  I have to wonder if I felt nervous/worried in my other races or more excited?  On reflection, I can't recall.  I want to keep an eye out on it though for next time.

So anyhow, ran the race this morning, not all at once, broke it into to walk/jog intervals.  Think I managed to jog the whole 1st kilometre!  After that, I ran to music, making sure I ran for the duration of an entire song - those with pumping jams at least.  I think it helped, because I ran faster when I was running along to music.

And.... drumroll please.....

My official finishing time was......

UNDER 45 MINUTES?!?!?  Wahoo!!  I'm so very excited about that, yay!


Aaaaaaanad... I guess the toils of the day are starting to take affect (effect?) on me.  Time I think to heat up some dinner (Rich beef casserole) and curl up on the couch with some TV.  It's my plan, and I like it : )