Monday, 29 September 2014

I want to scream until my throat is raw

Pardon for tones of heavy metal in the post title.  \m/

*WARNING:  this post gets pretty negative and moody*

This was going to be brief, but it turned out to be long.  And cranky angry : (  But I need to say this to someone out loud as it were.  And honestly, it's related to how I'm going at the moment.

So, no further progress with anything much lately.  Still haven't finalised any plans for another 5K.  Looked up a fair few, but am not committing to anything unless I know A) I can go and B) I can complete the couch to 5k training program.  Still haven't made it to the pool.  Haven't managed to get up early enough to Zumba for the last few weeks.  Only yesterday did I finally make it to the shops to buy decent food to make decent dinner.

Biggest thing that has thrown a spanner in the works?  My mum.  She's just had hand surgery and is still recovering.  And because we have no other family, I'm the one that has to look after her.  Which really kind of sucks.  Doing things like washing the dishes, washing clothes, ironing, vacuuming, mopping, scrubbing the shower, opening jars, and so on.  All those things that, you know, you need your hands for?

What sucks even worse is that I. am. a. terrible. person.  I am selfish and immature and childish.  You know why? Because I feel sulky and resentful that I have to do these things.  I am annoyed and upset and angry that I have to give up my holidays in order to look after her. 

My holidays are the one time I get to do things that I put off doing during work times because I never seem to have the time to do all my work reports, and client prep, and self-study plus do the things that everyone else seems to have a grip on.  Like organising car insurance, or upgrading my mobile phone (finally am ready to move to a smartphone.  Oh!  And change from pre-paid to postpaid contract), or organise for my laptop to be repaired.  I need to call the taxation office.  Shop for "big ticket" items (multi-function rice/slow cooker versus normal slow cooker?  Upright freezer?  The phone handset again needs research).  My car is well overdue for a service, I'm starting to notice the smell of oil when I drive (I've done 1000km over the 'service due on' date).

All this stuff I am trying to do in 6 days instead of the 15 days I had planned on.  It's all broken up too, so I'm driving back and forth a lot.  : (  I also wanted this time to be a kickstart once more for getting my food journalling and logging back on track.  2 weeks where I didn't have to answer to anyone but me?  Perfect time to get into a rhythm and routine, so that when I went back into work, it would be more likely that it will stick as good habit.  I'm trying to create a timetable/time budget so I know when I am working, sleeping, studying, working on personal projects (like exercising regularly), and doing day-to-day normal stuff like vacuuming or washing. 

It shouldn't be this hard to do all this.  But it is.  And the stupid thing about all this anger is really, of all the times that mum's surgery could have been scheduled, the holidays are the best time.  Because I do have time to go and help her.  Instead I would be trying to fit driving to her place every evening (she lives 85km/52 mi away) in peak hour traffic, so a 1 hour journey becomes a 1hr45min journey (if we're lucky).  Do all that she needs me to do, and then of course, driving back at 10pm.  And somehow get myself organised for work the nest day.  Or otherwise get the sulky treatment and be made to feel guilty because I just can't manage the time to go during the week, so I have to leave it to the weekends.  And yeah, yeah, no-one can "make you feel anything you don't want to".  Well *pthuuurpp* }: P I'm betting that person wasn't an only child, with an Eastern European Catholic parent.  They're well practiced at making you feel guilty for something you cannot help.  *wry smile*

And even though I could should be exercising all these bad thoughts away, I am eating instead.  I just ate an entire row of Arnott's Mint Slice (feeling somewhat sick from the sugar overload and guilt probably) and am about to sit down to an early dinner of roast chicken and roast vegetables.  I'm even eating the skin

I know I am way way over my calories today and there's some part of me that doesn't care.  The part of me that does care is making me log it all into my food journal and letting the world know.

*Le sigh*



  1. I hope writing it out made you feel a little bit better. Life can be totally irritating sometimes, and it's ok to not be fine with that! You are doing what you have to for your mum and trying to live your own life at the same time. And Mint Slice biscuits are awesome.

  2. Venting is good, or as Homer Simpson said, 'venting prevents explosion.' It's ok to feel as you do, I would just suggest trying to find non-food methods of dealing with those frustrations. It's good you can be there for your mum. Oh, and mint slice biscuits don't sound appealing but then I'm apparently one of the few people on the planet that doesn't think chocolate and mint go together at all, LOL.

  3. You are NOT a terrible person. I have ended up helping my mother quite a lot, and there are times I just want to scream. We're adults, we need to focus on our own lives, and helping out happens sometimes, but sometimes it's a lot to ask too. It's fair to feel that it's a bit much to ask. Doesn't mean we don't do it anyway, but that doesn't make it any more pleasant or magically add hours and energy to our day. My parents moved in with me for 6 weeks recently, and I couldn't focus AT ALL. I couldn't get my work done, and simple conversations were completely draining. I just wanted to go into a corner and sleep. Or eat.

    It is good you can help your mom out, but at the same time, it's fair to acknowledge what it is costing you too. You are NOT terrible. Just human. :)

  4. Thanks everyone for your comments, you are all so kind. Writing that all out did make me feel better, which was part of the intention of the post.

    Today I felt better, I ate normally - right foods, right portions - and I even consciously tried get some activity into my day, by leaving the car at home. I went either by foot or by bus to get to everywhere I wanted to be. Made my target of 15 flights of stairs, but came up a little short with steps.

    Tomorrow I plan to get up early (which used to be my normal time of 5am) and go for a walk, now that the weather's turning into spring, the sun's getting up earlier too. Start my day off right. : )

    Again, thank-you for your kind comments.