Quick thoughts

Now that I'm back home I need to get into the logging habit again.  Slowly but surely, right? 

Already started one good thing when yesterday I ate my portion for dinner... and that was all. ☺  I was about to go and get more food but then I stopped myself.  I self-talked and questioned whether I was really hungry and could I not just let it be for once.  
Now the trick is to make it not just "for once" but for twice, for three times, four times...

Exercising has really been my mainstay.   I've been getting up early nearly every morning.  I skipped yesterday morning because it was raining.  In fact, it was raining this morning too.  But I didn't realise that until I was outside.  It was only a light dusting of precipitation.   If it were 20°C colder, it would have been the nicest lightest snowfall... * sigh*  I miss snow.  Anyhow.  It was light rain when I left the house. Ten minutes into my walk and it became a fraction heavier.  A steady drizzle.  It was heavy enough to be noticeable but too light to bother turning back.

This morning I also did 20 sit-ups for the first time since I don't know when.

☆   ☆   ☆

I mentioned last week I was starting to go through and sort my clothes.  Well, I decided to keep on going and unpack some of the boxes that were still in my bedroom.  I managed to knock through 2 of the big "wardrobe" size boxes yesterday.  Some things that were in there, were packed away in 2011.  I found so much stationery that I bought: pens, textas, highlighters, notebooks, staplers, scissors, erasers, sharpeners, display folders... so. much. stationery...  !!

I also found my sewing machine, my telescope and my exercise mat amongst all the other things.  So, with the duel benefit of having cleared space on the floor (by unpacking two boxes) I also thought I'd start some sit ups again.

So after getting back from my walk this morning, I talked myself into some sit ups.

I'm going to try and make it another daily habit.  I am sure I have said this before, but I think the sit ups help with how much my stomach hangs out from my body.  It's probably really stupid, but I really do think that when I do sit ups, the muscles of my gut get stronger and are more able to hold my tummy in.  In fact when I suck my gut in, even right now at my current size, I can almost fool myself into thinking that it is not so bad. I'm willing to leave the house looking like I do, as long as I concentrate on keeping my gut sucked in. Next Monday when I do photos again for progress I'll do contrast of stomach muscles relaxed versus tensed.  I'll bet there's a difference.

Merry Tidings of Joy to you all

Okay. So I'm now at my mums place and already I've eaten things out of my diet plan.

Christmas is hard because 1 - Mum makes food that I don't normally eat. 2 - I have limited idea what the ingredients are and in what quantities.  3 - I won't be able to weigh out the amounts of what I eat, because we have guests over and it wouldn't be good manners to show them I'm trying to do something about my unhealthy size. *Sigh*

I'm also the taste tester.  Not voluntarily but because I'm the only one. So much for watching every bite, lick and taste. ☺

There really isn't much to be done about it though is there?


Well, there is something that I can do right? I can keep exercising.  Over the last week I've been getting better at getting into the routine of getting up in the morning and going for a 3km walk.  I even got up this morning and went out.  Traversed some of the terrain that I used to wander as a teenager.  Made me realise just how much I used to walk everywhere...!

I'm in the process of coming up with my new years resolutions. As usual most of them are health and fitness based.  Joining a gym is high up there.  Need to do some research though because I'm going to be in split locations next year, spending time in two different suburbs.   I'm thinking one of those 24 hour gyms where you join one - you join 'em all type deals.  Hoping that all the specials for gym membership come up soon.

Anyhow, we're about to have our Christmas Day breakfast.  Leftovers yay!

Merry Christmas, Joyeux Nöel, Szczęśliwego Bożego Narodzenia and Feliz Navidad.

The Purge - part 4

So, over the past few days I decided to tackle my clothes.  

I’ve discussed how I find it hard to get rid of things.  That I have strong memories and attachments to my possessions.  To a certain extent, never is this truer than with my clothes.  I love clothes, I really do.  One of my career aspirations when I was a young lass was to be a fashion designer.  And because I have strong memory associations with my clothes, I found it very hard to cull and get of things.   

Even things that I wasn’t sure I would ever wear again. 

The problem was I could remember wearing them, and what went along with that.  I could picture myself standing in the precise spot in my room as I chose that piece to wear.  Every item I picked up, reminded me of people or events.  “Oh, that’s right, I wore that when…” or “that’s the night I met…” or “… always loved this skirt”.  Even other associated events leading up to or after the time I wore that outfit.  One dress that I own, a black lacy thing I got as a Xmas present from my mum when I was 17.  It was my first LBD.  I have a very strong memory of when I was in my second year of uni.  It was March, and I decided I was going to wear it for a friend’s birthday party at a nightclub on Friday night.  I knew which shoes, earrings and make-up I was going to do.  Hair up.  (I went with a gold accessories theme.  I even had gold eyeliner!).  Because the dress had a lyrca liner, it was clingy.  I’ve always been pot-bellied/pear shaped, not much I can do about that.

Except sit ups.

For the two weeks leading up to the party, I was in my room, doing situps right before bed.  I can picture myself laying on the floor, the overhead light was off, but the lamp on my desk was on, illuminating my room.  I remember doing 40 (40!) situps and struggling with the last 2-3.  I remember doing them much slower, and that intense muscle feeling of the slow crunches. 

I remember the small turn out at the club, the drinks I had that night, who I danced with, and going home alone.  My friend whose birthday it was hooked up though – woo! Go him ;-)

*Sigh*

I remember faintly other times I wore that dress, but that memory is the strongest to me.  So of course, I don’t want to get rid of that dress, because it reminds me just how much fun I can have with friends.  And I stupid sentimental (or maybe just mental) part of me doesn’t want to get rid of it yet, because I want to know how I will look in it when I do get back to 68kg.  I’m having a hard time telling myself to get rid of it before hand, because I won’t truly know if I will wear it again until I get back to that size.

*Sigh*

Obviously, that line of thinking was going to get me nowhere.  So I somewhat comprised.  I took those giant plastic shopping bags – you know the ones that are very square when they are full?  With a zip? And I designated one for each size category.  Only what was in there would I keep.

I had to be little bit sneaky with the 12/14 because I had so many that I wanted to hold onto.  Casual wear, going out clothes, smart casual, fancy dress and costumes and most important – smart dressy clothes for work.  Skirts and button through shirts and dress slacks.  All the classy elegant things I would love to wear to work, but just don’t work now at my size.  Things that would make me look the part and fit in a little better with how our general director wants us to dress. Things that are made of cotton and require ironing. : D   Anyhow, because they were the clothes that I had the most of, I cheated a little bit and put some of the smaller ones into the 8/10/12 bag.  And then I used some vacuum storage bags for the rest of it.  And I mean, I did think about some things as I was packing them in.  Like do I need a red jumper (long sleeves), red jumper (elbow sleeves), red knit vest (external pullover vest, not undergarment vest), red 7/8 sleeve t-shirt, red short sleeve t-shirt and a red “falsey” jumper – the ones with a fake button shirt under them?  They just have the collar and cuffs of the shirt sticking out.  The rest is just the jumper.  [Oh!  A jumper is also known as a pullover, or a sweater.]  I don’t even wear red very often because it clashes with my skin tone.  I questioned what I was doing as I sat them together in the one pile.   But I put them in to save because, how am I to know what colour will be in fashion and whether I’ll even like those things when I get to that weight? 

As I said, I love clothes.  I also happen to be one of those people that have a huge variety of clothes, depending on mood.  And I wear colours daily.  I’ve had numerous people comment on the fact that I always wear bright colours.  I would probably go as far as to say I think my clothes are the type that people describe as “loud”.   Attempted a monotone wardrobe once.  Couldn’t make it more than 6 days before I caved and wore something with bold patterns.  My bestie on the other hand?  Black, offwhite/cream, occasionally red, and a very particular shade of bluey-teal.  She’s starting to introduce a light baby pink in the last 18 months.  That’s it.  That’s all she’s got.  Her mum and I have tried over the years to bring in other colours or styles, but it just doesn’t stick very long.  Lol.  Kind of opposites there huh?  : )

Well, anyhow.  Sorting out my clothes is a big job.  One I’m still working on.  And I think it’s going to have to wait until I get back from Xmas break, because today I need to go to the shops to get my last minute Christmas gifts and tomorrow, I’m driving to Mum’s for Christmas.  Should prove interesting.

The Purge - Part 3

I don’t know what it was that made me want to start on the clothes, but I went through and decided to sort, bin, donate or wash, a whole lotta clothes.  Not all of them yet, but I’m on my way.  In particular, I decided to sort clothes into approximate size range. 

 

• ·         8/10/12
• ·         12/14    
• ·         16/18                    
• ·         18/20/Just one size too small. 

I am expecting that most of the smallest clothes will no longer be fashionable and I will donate a lot of them.  Most of those I haven’t seen since 2008, they’ve been packed up somewhere most of this time, and that was when I started to gain weight.

Funnily enough, I thought that when I split up the clothes into those size ranges, it was because I could associate them with certain time-frames of my life.  Small -> second & third year of uni.  12/14 --> high school, rest of uni/early twenties.  My normal.  16/18 --> 2010/2011.  18/20/JOSTS -->  All those clothes I bought because I was going to lose weight soon…

But when I looked at the four piles, I started thinking in terms of kilogram weight and realise that those four size piles kind of match with weight goals I have in my head.

18/20/JOSTS	95kg
16/18	85-90kg
12/14	70-80kg
8/10/12	65kg

My Ultimate Goal Weight is to get back to ~70kg.  My average-normal was 63-68kg.  10 years ago. *shrugs*

The current goal weight I am working towards is 90kg.  90kg is what I was weighing in 2010-2011.  That’s 16kg off from where I am as of this morning.  During the year, when I had a really good run of discipline and logging, I made it down as far as 98.1 kg in May – only 1.1 kg off from my “starting” weight back when I began the blog in 2012!  At 90kg, I can picture myself in the clothes that I was wearing.  I still have memories of pulling them out of drawers or from the wardrobe and putting them on and accessorising them.  It’s a tangible, actual goal because it’s one that I can remember.  Remember feeling how fat I was.  And yet, I know now, that I got fatter.

At 90kg, I can start to wear the 16/18 size clothes.  16/18 is the crossover size range between normal and plus size clothing.  At 90kg, I am a size 18, but could try some 16s, especially the older (non-vanity sizing) ones.  

90kg also puts me at lower end of BMI obese classifications.  Under 90kg, I am only overweight, not obese.  I know that the BMI shouldn’t be the defining point of health, but as it stands, it is a measurement/calculation that is widely spoken about and is accountable and comparable.  At 90kg, I am putting less pressure on my joints, my lungs, my heart, my kidneys, all of it.  So surely that’s a good start right?

The Purge - Part 2

*Confession time*

I am a bit of a hoarder.  Non-diagnosed – but whenever I watch those hoarding shows, I can relate *so* much to the hoarders.  Not in terms of keeping decades old newspapers or never taking out the rubbish.  But certainly the things that I hold onto have sentimental attachments, or very strong memories associated with them.  I find it really hard to part with things that other people deem worthless, like old bus tickets or a newsletter from college clubs I was part of.  I will hold onto broken things, because I have this idea that I will get around to fixing them.  I have all these craft kits and beginnings of projects that I just can’t part with, because I will get around to finishing them one day.  I just need “time” or “space” to do them…

As a child I hated cleaning my room.  Hating tidying up – because it meant all these “projects” that I was “working on” had to be dismantled and put away.  Which only meant that later on, when the project crossed my mind again, I would pull it out, work on it intensely for three days before my attention went elsewhere.

I’m also a slow worker.  Was always last to get started in activities and the last to finish by far.  So if I wasn’t progressing in cleaning my room fast enough, mum would come in and start packing up or chucking things out.  And that made me panicky and anxious.  I’m even feeling it now.

A few months ago at work, a storeroom was being cleaned out, in order to make a new temporary office.  I happened to be walking past as the manager and the new co-ordinator for whom the office was going to be for were getting started.  There were lots of random things left in there from the previous co-ordinator; posters and promo kits, craft and games, and the like. 

Now, if it was going to be my office and my duty, I would have held on to all most some of it, after carefully going through what I could keep and would be useful again. 

Joanne, the manager, didn’t see things like that.  She’d dragged in a wheely bin and was binning nearly everything.  Even things that (I felt) could be taken and donated, like some toys and games for a childcare centre, or knitting kits that could have gone to occupational therapy, were being binned.  And it was so hard not to rescue anything.  The old posters I had no qualms about, but the promo magnets… everyone can always use a magnet, right?  Booklets, a beading kit, informational CDs… binnned, binned, binned.  *shudders*  It was hard being the same room as this happening.  I even made the comment at the time, that it surprised me just how panicky and anxious I felt about all these things that were being thrown out.  These things that weren’t even mine and I felt panicky and anxious at how they were being thrown out, with no regard.  Almost no deliberation was made into whether to keep or chuck.  Most things weren’t even given the courtesy of a first glance, let alone a second analytical look about whether to keep or bin.  Joanne was ruthless.  : )

So needless to say, decluttering and tidying up is a big job; physically and psychologically for me.  I moved into my unit two years ago and I still have things in boxes.  Boxes that I haven’t even opened from a move back in 2011.  I just need to be in the right headspace to tackle these things.  I started on the spare room in my July holiday break… and made no progress since then  :)

It’s on my job list of things to do… But I’m just not sure when I’ll get there.